Perfectly Wrong
by LivAndLetDie
Summary: AU Blaine needs to find the most annoying guy to play his fake boyfriend for a day so his mom would stop nagging him about finding a nice boy. The mean and sarcastic barista Kurt seems like just the guy for the job.
1. Houston, we have a problem!

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 1**

"I'm dead," Blaine exclaimed dramatically, plopping his head on the café's table. "I'm so dead. Goodbye, cruel world! Life was great while it lasted, but I guess seventeen years were all that was meant for me. Oh, woe is me! What have I ever done to deserve this?"

"Ah, yes. The horrors of a rich, young teenager's life. You have a loving and totally supportive family that wishes to throw you a birthday party, where they will most likely shower you with expensive gifts and warm hugs. Hell, some kids never get a clown for their birthday party, I'm sure your mom would get you the whole circus, if you wanted one. What a cruel and unusual punishment! Run, Forrest, run before it is too late!" David laughed, while Blaine lifted his head to cast one of his best friends an irritated look.

"When you become a president, you should make having a great birthday party thrown for you an alternative for a life sentence," Wes, his other best (but only for now) friend, added.

"It's not funny! It's serious like a heart attack and my own best friends are making fun of my misery? Thanks. Thanks a lot." Blaine put his phone on the table and took another sip from his cup of black coffee. "And why would I want a clown at my party, anyways? I'm turning seventeen, not seven. I should have made Wyatt my BFF when I still had a chance – he at least would have wallowed in my sorrows with me instead of fist pumping."

"See! It always could be worse," Wes said, before drinking his own double-half-fat-with-extra-whipped-cream-something. And Blaine was supposed to be the gay one?

"No, it probably couldn't be. You just don't get it," Blaine sighed. "My parents are throwing me that stupid party and my whole family will be there. They want to see me, congratulate me, and yes, shower me in expensive gifts. That's all very well, but they also want to meet my boyfriend—the same boyfriend with whom I've been going out for nearly three months now. MY NON-EXSISTANT BOYFRIEND!"

"Hmm, yes. That does complicate things a bit."

David was the king of understatements right then. 'A bit' didn't even begin to cover it!

This whole mess really started nearly three years ago, when Blaine finally "found his balls," as David called it, and came out to his parents. Blaine's dad was cool with it, he told him that Blaine was his son and of course he would love him no matter what. And his mom…well, she was even a bit too excited about it. Blaine's the baby of the family; he has two older brothers. His mom had always wanted a daughter, but was told by a doctor that due to some complications during her pregnancy and childbirth when she was pregnant with Blaine, she could have no more children. Blaine guessed that she saw him being gay as the universe's way of repaying her for that.

In the Anderson residence it was just Blaine, his mom, dad, grandpa Blaine Sr., and his two brothers. In a house full with testosterone, a gay son was the closest his mom could hope to get to "girl time." Plus, Blaine was and always would be her baby, being youngest and all. She was very supportive and the best mom any gay or straight guy could wish for, but having a talk about which celebrity guys he found 'hot' with his mom was weird no matter what the circumstances were. At that time he saw no reason why he couldn't humor her just for a bit. It turned out that she was in fact carefully taking notes of his preferences for later use.

When Blaine was fifteen his mom started to play match maker. It was barely noticeable at first; she would just make offhand comments like, "That Rothberg boy sure has grown up handsome. Right, Blaine? You know, I heard he plays violin. You have so much in common, Blaine." Then, out of the blue, just days later the Rothberg family would be invited for dinner at their house, with ''the handsome, charming, straight A student'' James Rothberg conveniently sitting right next to Blaine. That's very subtle, mom!

And James was just the first of what turned out to be a long line of guys his _mom_ would introduce him to. How lame was that? James also turned out to be the first one that he specifically didn't pay any attention to. Being in a relationship with some guy from his country club did not seem appealing to him in any shape or form. He knew that his mom just wanted him to be happy and not miss out on teenage romance just because of his sexuality, but that was not a problem.

Getting boys was always easy for Blaine. He didn't like to brag but, for his age, he had a lot of experience. No, just kidding—of course he'll brag. Going to a private school had a lot of advantages, and one of them was the freedom to do things that your parents might frown upon, if they only knew. Dalton was not that hard to get out of, even on school nights. (Especially if you could pay your dormitories' guard to conveniently look other way while you sneaked out.) There were clubs in town that he frequently visited with his friends, money opening all doors for them. He never lacked for male companionship, and he never exerted any effort for boys—it was a well-known joke with his glee club, the Warblers. There were always guys just like him—young, gay, a little bit stupid, possibly intoxicated and looking for a good time.

Of course, he couldn't just tell his mom that the reason why her darling baby boy never dated was because he preferred to stick with one night stands with random, nameless guys from clubs.

Instead, he convinced his mother that he felt like he was too young for a relationship and was still coming with terms with his sexuality and how it would affect his whole life.

And that bullshit actually worked for a year.

After he turned sixteen, his mom was just not buying his cover story anymore. His mom outright asked him if he was asexual. That was one embarrassing conversation he was still trying to forget. After he confirmed to her that he did in fact think about guys in sexual way, she doubled her efforts to introduce him to every gay, bi, or just "gay-ish looking" teenage boy she knew, and while some of them were okay, (a blowjob that he got from George Temple behind the family stables even deserves an A+), having a boyfriend just wasn't for him.

So three months ago, when his mom called him to ask how he was and to once again nag him about not experiencing the wonders of teenage romances, he had a brilliant idea to tell her that he was seeing someone, just to make her stop.

A brilliant idea that has landed him into a deep pile of shit.

"Well, maybe you can tell your family that you and your imaginary boyfriend had a fight and broke up?" David suggested.

Blaine sighed heavily, knowing that David's idea was no good. "No, I can't. Just two days ago I was telling my mom over the phone that we're better than ever and it's all sunshine and puppies for me and my lover boy. She would suspect something was up if I just announced that I broke up with the guy. She wouldn't believe me. And I can't tell her that he simply didn't want to come. My mom insisted that I bring my boyfriend, which means that it is not up for discussion. If needed, she will hire someone to kidnap and bring my imaginary boyfriend. I've been happily fake-dating this guy for three months—she said that it's time to introduce him to my family."

"How about you just come clean?" Wes offered. "You already told your parents that you're gay, and they are fine with that. They will still love you, even if you admit to them that you are a lying man whore."

Blaine sent Wes his best death glare. Man whore? That's such a crude term. Personally, he prefered sexually promiscuous.

"Right, I'll just call my parents and tell them about lying and sleeping around, which will lead them to asking questions. And that will lead them to finding out about going to clubs, about drinking, about sneaking out and about parties. Great idea, Wes! I'm sure that once my parents pull me out of Dalton, your mom and dad will start asking questions too. Your dad will find out all about it from mine during their weekly golf game and somehow I doubt that your parents will believe that you, being my best friend, didn't know about any of this and didn't participate yourself." Blaine watched how Wes' face became drained of all color. His dad was in politics and for his family, appearance was everything. Wes' parents wouldn't be happy to find out about those parties where, after few drinks, he had been pretty 'man whore-ish' himself, with girls that were definitely not his girlfriend of two years, Maggy, or that time when a night of too much fun ended for him with a black eye and a split lip. "Still think that's a good idea?"

"Well, maybe you could…no, that won't work…hmm…"

"…Maybe…no…"

Yes, deep, deep pile of shit.

They sat in the mall's café for a few more minutes, trying to find a way out of the problem, but it was no good. They finished their coffees and decided to walk around a bit before they had to return to Dalton.

"I know! You should tell your parents that you're dating a sociopath."

"What?"

"You know. You should tell them that he can be dangerous to others so you can't just bring him with you for the sake of your little cousins and grandparents, because they won't be able to outrun him if he was chasing them with an axe."

"Are you kidding me, David? Seriously?"

"What?"

"You think I can just tell my parents that I'm dating a dangerous psycho and they will be okay with that?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not hearing any ideas coming from you," David said.

"—Guys."

"That's because I don't even bother saying something as stupid as that out loud!" Blaine argued back. This whole situation was putting him on edge.

"—Guys!"

"But you do admit that you were thinking it! I'm just trying to help here! And although the idea is stupid, it's also the best one we have right now! So don't even prete—"

"GUYS!" Wes yelled, surprising both of them. Wes was always the cool and collected one. "Ladies, please stop bickering and shut up. We all need to chill. I have an idea, so kiss and make up."

Blaine took a deep, calming breath. This really was getting ridiculous. "I'm sorry, David. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"Nah, it's okay. You're stressed out, I get it."

And that's why these guys were his best friends. They shared everything, they helped each other out no matter what, and they never stayed angry at each other for long. Also, they were the only ones putting up with him.

"Listen, guys. It's really simple—you just have to find a guy to bring as your fake date."

"Sure, Wes. One problem though—exactly what am I going to tell them when they never see that guy again?"

"You tell them that you broke up."

"Right, and as soon as I tell my mom that, she will once again start pimping guys to me. Only now I won't have an excuse of not being ready to date." Blaine sighed. "This is hopeless."

"No, Blaine. I have an even better idea. You don't break up with the guy—you make sure that your family never wants to see him again!" Wes said simply.

"What?"

"You have to find the most annoying guy on this planet to show to your parents, so that they never want to see him again."

Blaine grabbed Wes by his arms. "Wes, you're amazing! I could kiss you right now." Wes looked absolutely terrified for a moment there, probably because of a slightly crazed glint in Blaine's eyes. "But I won't, so don't get your hopes up."

Blaine released Wes and started quickly walking away, not even waiting for David and Wesley to catch up with him. "That's right! I will find a guy who gets on everyone's nerves just by being in the same room as them. My mom always told me how she didn't care who I dated, as long as he made me happy. Well, I'm going to test that. I have to find someone annoying and bitchy. Not too ugly, because it still has to be believable, but nothing special. Someone average at best. Oh, I'm brilliant! Why I didn't think of this sooner?"

"Hey, I was the one who thought of that," Wes said and was promptly ignored.

"My mom claims that her party invitations for my dad's college friend Mr. Ramsbottom always get lost in the mail, but in fact she actually never sends them because Mrs. Ramsbottom is, in her words, a "bitch of Naomi Campbell's proportions." I just have to make sure that from now on my boyfriend's invitations also get lost!"

"Wait! You know a guy named Mr. Ramsbottom? Man, I could come up with so many great jokes about that," David said and was ignored just like Wes.

Blaine suddenly stopped, making David, who was following closely behind, almost crash into him. "I need another coffee. I need to think this over while holding a scalding hot medium drip. Coffee makes me function better," he said and started walking in a trance-like state towards the closest coffee shop he could find.

"We just had coffee, like ten minutes ago. It can't be healthy to drink this much caffeine. Pretty soon your blood will start to turn into coffee," David complained but still followed Blaine to a small coffee shop his friend had spotted. Someone had to make sure that Blaine didn't injure any people in his coffee induced manic episode.

"I wish Blaine was this addicted to ice-cream. If he'd let me get a Cookie Dough ice-cream once in a while, I would even pay for his Coffee and Cream combination," Wes grumbled.

When the three Dalton boys entered the coffee shop there was thankfully only one customer before them, who appeared to be arguing with the barista.

"…And I'm telling you, this is not what I ordered!" yelled an angry looking tall guy who was wearing a letterman jacket.

"And I'm telling you that you really have nothing to complain about. A meathead like you could use something with less sugar in it. You're sweaty just because you're yelling at me. If you lost weight, maybe you could talk without feeling as if you're running a marathon," said a mocking, feminine voice. The tall guy was blocking the speaker from the view, so the Dalton boys couldn't see him.

"You little fag! I'm not fat!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I guess sweating like a pig is just your natural state of being."

"You better watch it, Hummel. You wouldn't be so cocky if your manager wasn't in the back room. I could punch your head in."

"Yeah, but I know the alphabet and can count to ten. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses."

"I'm warning you, cocksucker. You will not embarrass me."

"Oh, please. You're doing a pretty good job of that yourself."

All of a sudden the guy in the letterman jacket grabbed his drink and threw it at the person behind the cash register. Blaine could hear the liquid hitting the wall and something else. "Don't think this is over, twink," the jock said and stormed out of the coffee shop, knocking into Blaine's shoulder on his way out, but he paid no attention to that. He was shocked by what he had just witnessed.

Behind the cash register stood a guy who Blaine assumed was Hummel. He was a bit taller than Blaine himself, which wasn't saying a lot, and a sickly pale looking kid. Blaine could only see his torso, but his shirt was quite baggy, so he assumed that the guy was a bit pudgy himself and probably was not the one to talk about needing to lose a bit of weight. Hummel was wearing a ridiculous hat with a plush cup of coffee sewn on top of it and a standard uniform shirt in an ugly mustard yellow color. His left sleeve was drenched in what appeared to be coffee. Thankfully, it looked like the kid had managed to sidestep most of it, because a lot more was covering the wall behind the register.

"Shit, that's hot." Blaine heard the barista cursing, lifting the wet fabric away from his skin.

David appeared to be just as shocked about everything happening as Blaine. "Can you believe that guy? Who the hell throws drinks in someone's face?"

"Yeah, the guy's an asshole," Wes agreed. "Although, I can't really decide whether the barista is intentionally this bitchy or just plain stupid. He was practically challenging him."

"Yeah. No one deserves a drink thrown at them, but come on! He's the one working here and he messed the order up. Why was he so bitchy? Who does he think he is?"

That's the million dollar question, he guessed. Seriously, how anyone this rude and bitchy got a job in a coffee shop was beyond Blaine. He was almost afraid to order something; what if he got chewed up for needing to lose weight? Supposedly coffee does stunt your growth. Blaine suddenly had a vision of this guy telling him to go buy milk for extra calcium and to come back later, when he's a big boy. This guy was just putting off "I haven't met you but I already hate you" vibes. He was just so unlikable and…

Wait a second!

That crazed look was back in Blaine's eyes and a devilish smirk adorned his handsome face.

"He's perfect."

* * *

Beta read by awesome MonkeyMojo.

Reviews make my heart (and writing) speed up!


	2. Let's put a smile on your face

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 2**

This guy was exactly what Blaine needed. Not too bad looking—at least, he didn't appear to have any physical defects. The guy was probably as tall as Blaine was.

Okay, fine! The guy was probably as _short_ as Blaine was.

From what he could see, he had brown hair and grey eyes. He was sickly pale, but since he was working with food, he must have a health card, right? Blaine was trying to make his parents dislike his fake boyfriend, but bringing in a corpse was a bit overboard even for him.

Blaine guessed that if the guy took a shower and wore something that wasn't an atrocious uniform, he could pass as someone he could be interested in. Maybe. Hopefully. If not, he could always claim that he was trying out that whole ''beauty is skin deep'' thing.

Blaine had found his obnoxious, fake boyfriend; that's already half the battle won. Now he just needed to ask this total stranger to come to his birthday party and get introduced to his family as his _lovely_ boyfriend. He guessed that wasn't something one gets to hear every day.

"Perfect?" David exclaimed. Blaine was so deep in his thoughts he'd completely forgot about David and Wes being right there. "Blaine, what are you talking about?"

"Blaine?" Wes asked, waving his hand obnoxiously in front of his face. "Earth to Blaine. We don't detect any signs of life."

"That's the guy. He's my Mrs. Ramsbottom!" Blaine exclaimed excitedly. "Okay, weird choice of words, I admit, but you know what I mean. Hammer, or whatever that douche called him, is the perfectly wrong boyfriend that I need!"

"Pretty sure it was Hummel. And, that guy?" Wes asked in disbelief. "No way. I thought you might ask some guy from Dalton, someone you actually know. You don't even know if he's gay!"

"Oh, please! He's so flamingly gay he's practically starting an inferno. Trust me—I can just feel the gay rolling off him in waves."

"Right—he's just an ocean of gay rainbows, lube and man purses banging your shores."

"That actually sounded way more like a gay joke than you probably meant it," David commented.

"No, I said it the just the way I meant it," Wes replied, while Blaine, once again, left his friends, to walk towards the cash register, his eyes firmly trained on the still dripping barista, who was quietly cursing behind the counter.

"Hi!" Blaine said, putting on his Super-Charm smile that he usually saved only for very special and important occasions like getting into a hot guy's pants and charming his grandparents into thinking he's the perfect angel. Wasn't it weird that he could use the same smile for both of those things?

The barista clearly hadn't noticed the Dalton boys before. Blaine's cheerful hello made him jump, as if he was about to be attacked. Finally noticing Blaine standing in front of him, the pale boy glared at him. "And what do you want?"

"I'm Blaine."

"So?"

"Blaine Anderson," Blaine said again, outstretching his hand, waiting for a handshake. His parents raised him right—introducing himself was the polite thing to do and the guy didn't have a name tag, so it was only practical to learn the name of your future fake boyfriend, before you ask him to a very real family gathering as his fake date.

Hummel just looked at his hand for a second, then threw him another bitchy glare, turned around and started to clean the wall behind the cash register using a nearby towel. He really was the perfect guy to bring home to meet his parents—Blaine first saw him five minutes ago, and he already thought the other teen boy was bitchy and rude.

"Hey, that was the moment where people usually tell others their name!"

"You'll get over it."

"I'm still a paying customer, you know. You can't just ignore me."

The barista's head turned, wild brown wisps of hair falling haphazardly around his face and grey eyes met his hazel gaze. They studied him for a second before a heated glare was once again aimed at him. The guy wasn't as bad looking as he had initially assumed, Blaine thought. He'd do.

"Well, then order something, pay for it, and get out."

Blaine was just about to answer when an older man, in his forties if he had to make a guess, came out from the back room. He was dressed in the same atrocious uniform, stupid hat and all. The only visible difference was that he had a name tag, which said 'Marshall. Manager.' and a big, red badge with the words '15 years' proudly attached to his uniform shirt. Fifteen years? Who would want to work in a place like this for fifteen years? That was close to Blaine's whole lifetime! Even better question—who would work here for fifteen years and wear a badge to prove it? A disturbingly gleaming badge that looked like it was polished at least ten times a day?

And Blaine thought that Wes and his gavel were bad.

"What's with all the commotion? I heard it all the way back in my…," Hummel's manager started to say, but stopped once he saw the coffee splattered wall behind the cash register. After that his eyes traveled to the half drenched barista and then to Blaine and finally back to his employee. If his scowl was any indication, Hummel was probably in a lot of trouble. "What happened here?"

"I'm sorry, sir. It was a misunderstanding. It's not that bad, I'll clean it up right, Mr. Hatfield**.**"

"As if there was a chance that you could just leave everything stained with coffee!" Marshall Hatfield was not a happy man, it almost looked like he had stopped breathing; his face was turning a fascinating shade of purple that was clashing horribly with his mustard yellow shirt. Blaine only hopped that the guy didn't faint from the lack of blood to his brains—he didn't want to be the one performing mouth-to-mouth. Suddenly he turned to Blaine, looking like he was ready for a kill. "Did you do it, boy?"

Blaine stared at the glaring eyes before laughing nervously and trying to run his fingers through his hair, forgetting that it wasn't possible because of the hair gel. "I would never do something like that. There was a guy, a big guy in a red letterman jacket. He was the one who threw the drink and then ran off. I was just asking your employee if he was alright." He took a step back; this weird manager guy was creeping him out for some reason.

"A guy just came in here and threw a drink at you for no good reason? For some reason, I'm not buying it."

If looks could kill, Hummel would be dead by now, Blaine was sure of that. What was 'Marshall's' problem? He said that he would clean it up.

"I…um…there might have been a disagreement, but it was not my fault. He was the one who came in here and practically assaulted me!"

"Kurt, I need to have a word with you," Mr. Hatfield told Kurt in a tone that clearly implied that they would not be having a pleasant chat about weather over hot cup of tea and cookies.

"Sir, there's a client here. I was just about to take his order, when you…," Kurt was hastily telling his boss. He was going to take his order? He sure fooled Blaine—he thought that he was about to poke his eyes out with one of those wooden coffee stirrers.

"Now, Kurt!" Kurt's manager said in a steel tone, which left no room for arguments.

Kurt obediently followed his manager to the door behind the counter, his eyes trained on the floor. Mr. Hatfield waited there to let Kurt pass through first, and once the boy was inside, he turned to Blaine with a big smile on his old, wrinkly face. "We will be right there with you to take your order, sir. Sunny Sun Café is here to put a smile on your face every day!" And with that, he shut the door.

…Creepy.

Blaine turned around to see where Wes and David had gone. The duo was still standing by the doors, observing everything that was happening, as if there was a play or a movie going on. Wes looked on the verge of falling asleep and David just gave Blaine the thumbs up. Again, why were they his best friends?

If he listened carefully, Blaine could hear Kurt and the creepy manager guy talking in the back room. He could hear creeper almost yelling in a raised voice. "She told me…gave a chance…I asked, if you will be able…fired…will be…never…unless you pay for the damage…"

After about a minute, Kurt came back, looking defeated. He stopped by the register, sighed, looked at Blaine and said in the most monotone voice he probably could muster, "Welcome to Sunny Sun Café, where we put a smile on your face every day. Today's special order is espresso made with tender loving care and just a smidge of magical cinnamon sprinkle just for $2.50."

"I want you to be my boyfriend."

Ok, maybe it was a little bit rushed, but honesty is almost always the best policy, except in cases when it's really not. Like fake relationships. A look of surprise quickly passed over Kurt's face, before it was back to the stoic mask. "Sorry for that; I don't provide those kinds of services. We also have freshly baked pies. There's nothing like an apple pie, baked from a grandmother's recipe. Just $1.00 for a slice."

"Could you stop reading a menu, please? You're being annoying." Perfectly annoying. "I'm single; my family thinks that I am dating someone. There's a family gathering and I need to bring my date and I want you to be that someone."

Kurt looked at him for a long time, grey eyes scanning him from head to toe, lingering on his Dalton Academy emblem and on his gelled hair until finally stopping on his face. Blaine tried his Super-Charm smile for the second time. "No way."

And Super-Charm smile was shot down again. Two times in one day—that had never happened to him. Did he have spinach in his teeth?

"Why not?" If the smile didn't work, then he'd have to bring out the big guns—Puppy Eyes of Doom engage!

"Seriously? A guy I've never met in my entire life just suddenly asks me to be his boyfriend and meet his parents. Do I need to list reasons why not? Honestly, have you been dropped on your head?"

"You don't really have to date me, it will be an act."

"No. Are you going to order something or not?" He sounded really annoyed now. That man's made of steel—he's Puppy Eyes resistant.

"I'll pay you."

That was not a part of his original plan, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Blaine could already picture him insulting his mom's curtains, being obnoxiously loud and throwing Mrs. Ramsbottom from her first place pedestal in 'The bitchiest of them all Olympics'. If he had to spend some money to see that, he would. It would be worth it.

He could see that Kurt was thinking about his proposal. "How much?"

"How much do you want?"

"I want…okay, here's the deal. I have to pay for the ruined wallpaper and floor—if you pay for that, then I will do this thing."

"Deal."

Kurt looked shocked at how easily he accepted. "Deal? That's it, just like that? I don't even know how much that could cost."

"It doesn't matter; I'll pay for it." Blaine gave Kurt what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Sometimes it was good to be rich. And by sometimes he meant always. "Just give me your phone number and I'll give you mine. The party is this Saturday; I will send you my address. You should give me your e-mail address too, so I can send you our cover story. And you can just send me the check and I'll take care of it."

"Just like that?" Kurt still looked like he didn't believe him.

"Just like that."

"Okay, but just so you know, I'm agreeing to be your fake boyfriend for that one party and that's it. Try anything funny and you will never be able to be a sperm donor. Are we clear?"

"Crystal."

* * *

Beta read by amazing MonkeyMojo.

I had pneumoniann- not fun. Tell me, if this thing makes no sense at all; I'm kinda loopy from medication.

Next chapter - The start of party and Kurt meets Blaine's parents. I will update sooner now that I'm not in hospital anymore.

34 reviews for the first chapter? You guys are awesome!

Reviews are like my favorite type of antibiotics - makes me happy, healthy and makes it seem like the room is spinning. Weeee!


	3. Heeeeeeere's Johnny!

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 3**

"This is it; just don't get scared now, Blaine!" he told himself while doing a last check-up in his bedroom mirror. The big day had finally arrived: Doomsday! (Also known as his birthday party, for less theatrical people.)

For most people birthdays were the one day in the year where you don't have to do chores, long lost friends call or text you as if you still were best mates, and you get presents and a cake with cheap candles. Blaine could admit that he too was once this ignorant, but now he was no longer wearing rose-colored glasses (metaphorically speaking).

Birthdays are specifically designed so that over-affectionate and annoying family members can ruffle his hair, pinch his cheeks, (Those that are on his face. Mostly.) and ask questions about his private life. Most guests arrived just a couple of hours ago, and Blaine had already had two talks about how 'he's getting older and it's good that he has a special person in his life now.' Give him a break. He's still a teenager! They're acting like he's a bachelor in his thirties. His aunt Amelia had pretty much glomped him as soon as she set her foot inside their house. She hugged him, pressed him close and just refused to let him go. He'd had a small panic attack while his head was pressed into her bosom. Female parts = yucky!

This had to stop. He was just seventeen – young and entitled to be stupid; it's kind of a package deal. If he didn't enjoy meeting men now in his teens and early twenties, then when would he? When he's seventy, popping Viagra every morning together with his regular vitamins and calcium? He's sure there's a lot of gay action going on in the back row during Bingo games in retirement houses.

If his family couldn't understand that no meant no, then he'd just have to turn to more drastic measures. The gloves were off and it was time to bring out the big guns.

It just so happened that his rocket launcher was late. Kurt had to be there at 4 PM. It was already 4.20 and he was not there. Blaine already thought that Kurt had simply bailed on him, but he answered his text, saying that he was on his way and he was just stuck in traffic. Blaine didn't mind, his dad hated people who weren't punctual; he was always repeating that 'punctuality is the soul of business'. Kurt was already proving himself as someone Blaine's parents wouldn't want to ever see again, and he hadn't even arrived yet.

Blaine retied his tie for what felt like tenth time and brushed some invisible hair off his shoulder. He looked good in his navy blue dress shirt and grey suit pants. (Guess you can get the boy out of Dalton, but you can't get Dalton out of the boy.)

The family gathering turned out to be quite formal. Blaine's mom had ordered that everyone had to be dressed formally. She looked amazing, she was dressed in a yellow dress that was very Fifties housewife, but her fiery temper showed through. He'd usually compliment his mother only when he needed something from her, but today he had to admit that she was a beauty, even in her forties. He guessed that explained him – great genetics. Most of the men wore dress shirts and pants, and his aunts and female cousins were dressed in either dresses or skirts with blouses.

He may or may not have mentioned to Kurt that this was _just_ a family gathering and he should wear what he usually wore daily. Yes, Blaine knew he was just setting this guy up for an embarrassing evening. He would be the only one there who was a complete stranger, plus he would be underdressed. But to be fair, he was being paid generously for it. It was all part of the plan: he would be the only one who would be dressed in jeans and a hoodie, and if he's really lucky it might even be in a weird color, like his work uniform's mustard yellow. Even better, he might have some kind of slogan printed on his shirt, like 'What happens over the rainbow, stays over the rainbow'. Blaine couldn't even remember how many times his mom has frowned at teenagers wearing jeans to church or parties. Kurt's casual clothes would be just another thing that would get on his parents' nerves.

The night was all planed out, nothing could go wrong. This was it – Blaine was turning seventeen and breaking free from his mom's clutches.

As he walked downstairs he could hear everyone laughing and loudly chatting in the living room. The whole house smelt like roses, his mom had told him that they were using a new air freshener, it really was amazing.

Blaine didn't want to wait for Kurt in the living room with others. If he had to do the awkward 'tell me about your boyfriend' thing, then Kurt had to suffer with him. He had already said hi to everyone earlier, so it's not like they needed him there.

His brother Aiden, who was two years older than Blaine was, passed him on his way to the kitchen. "Well, well, look who's looking all spiffy."

"Shut up."

"Help me get appetizers from the kitchen," Aiden asked. "And also, mom told me to keep an eye on Aunt Nora. She's already on her third glass of whiskey."

"Third? Already? We haven't even got to the dinner table yet, that has got to be a new record for her," Blaine said, following his brother into the kitchen.

"Yeah, well. She's funnier when she's tipsy, but I pray to God that she doesn't cross into the dancing-topless-on-the-table stage like she did last year at mom's forty-fifth birthday." We both shuddered. That was one memory that he had tried to suppress for a long time. She had been trying to dance on the table to 'Come on Eileen' by Dexy's Midnight Runners, while simultaneously unbuttoning her blouse.

What happened next? Only the most horrifying three and a half minutes of Blaine's life. He still sometimes wakes up in a cold sweat, screaming, "Not the bra, NOT THE BRA!"

Usually his mom just let those things happen; there was no way to stop Aunt Nora after a bottle or two. He was surprised that his mom had done something about it this time, she was probably just making sure he wasn't traumatized like that again on his birthday.

Hiding out in the kitchen until Kurt arrived seemed like the perfect plan, but when they reached it someone was already there. "Hey, granpa. Why aren't you with the rest of family in the living room?"

Their grandfather, Blaine Sr., was sitting at kitchen counter, holding what appeared to be a glass of scotch in his hands. Was no one sober at this party? Maybe Blaine should get Kurt drunk too. Nothing would piss his mom off more than his boyfriend getting wasted and throwing up on her Persian carpet.

"Well boys, I'm what you might call tactically retreating."

"And by that you mean that you are hiding here and trying to get some liquid courage for what's to come," Aiden quipped.

"Yes, I guess you could put it like that."

Blaine's granpap was just the most amazing guy, bless his ninety-one year old heart. He had lived through war and the great depression; he started with pennies and made a small fortune, but most importantly, he'd had six wives, and had already outlived three of them. (The ones that were still alive are eighty-eight, eighty-three, and seventy-six years old now. He once told Blaine, jokingly, that he doesn't plan to die until he has outlived them all. Or, he at least thinks it was meant as a joke.)

It's no wonder that Blaine looked up to him the most. Not that he wanted to have six wives (or even husbands), but he wanted to live his own life, make something of it. His granpa had love in his life (a lot of it, if his eleven children were any indication), but he had not built his life just around that – he had a career, he traveled around the world, he had a huge key chain collection, he played basketball for years and he even piloted a small Cessna 404 plane.

Unfortunately, his three remaining ex-wives were here and it was never a good idea to have them all in the same room. In every family gathering, in the beginning of the night, his exes insulted each other ("_Were you knitting that with your eyes closed? I can see those purled instead of knit stitches without my glasses on!_"), but then, after few hours of that, they team up and attack granpa.

"Speaking of hiding, where is that boyfriend of yours, junior? I'm even wearing a tie, like Mal ordered, so he'd better be here," Blaine Sr. asked him.

"He's…," Blaine started to answer, but just then the doorbell rang, "…here. I'll go get that."

He walked swiftly to be the first one at the doors. The living room suddenly seemed a bit more hushed and he saw that his mom was no longer sitting on the couch. She was, conveniently, standing closer to living room doors and …all of a sudden arranging flowers in the vase? That's very subtle, mom!

Blaine briskly walked to the front door and opened it. Show time!

Wait! Who's that?

The guy standing on his front porch, was just…wow. He was wearing a dark blue pinstriped suit with an eggplant colored dress shirt under it. He even had a burnt orange bow tie around his neck. Why did no one tell Blaine there was a fashion show taking place in town? He would have gone to ogle guys like him. His hair was perfectly coifed and his skin shined in the afternoon sunlight.

"Hi! I'm sorry I'm late. The traffic was really bad; I took a detour and got lost a bit."

Kurt!

Holy…!

"No! No. I mean, no, you're just in time, dinner will start soon."

"Oh. Okay." There was a moment of silence, where Blaine was just staring at the beautiful guy in front of him. Why did he ever think that he was pudgy? Kurt looked very skinny, but his shoulders were just broad enough. And when did his eyes turn so blue? Was he wearing contacts? Because Blaine could have sworn that his eyes were grey.

Kurt finally snapped him out of his stupor when he asked, "So, are we eating on the front porch or are you going to ask me in?"

Aww, and he was so adorably catty.

No, wait!

Not good. Not good at all. He was supposed to be all kinds of wrong. Where's that other guy, the guy he meet in the coffee shop? Blaine needed him, not his perfectly amazing twin brother or clone.

He had to calm himself down.

He's hot, so what. As soon as he opens his (incredibly kissable and fu…damn it!) mouth, he will be the same bitchy, annoying guy Blaine met. Looks won't mean anything to his parents.

Still, why wasn't he wearing a t-shirt? Maybe they could sneak past his family to his room and he could change into Blaine's 'day-off' clothes. Yes, that's a good plan. Kurt, in his room, getting naked.

Damn it!

Unfortunately, there was no time to get Kurt naked in his room (so that he could change in his t-shirt and sweatpants!), because his mom had gotten impatient. "Oh, Blaine, I didn't know that your guest had arrived," she said, acting like she didn't know that he was there. His mom was holding chicory flower in her hands. If there was an "Amazing Fifties Moms Weekly" magazine, they could have a cover shot with her standing in the entryway, dressed in that yellow dress, holding a blue flower.

And that's when Blaine finally realized it. Formal wear, flower arrangements, rose air fresheners, her Fifties getup, keeping an eye on Aunt Nora. His mom was trying to impress Kurt! This wasn't about him and his birthday; this was about his mom meeting his boyfriend. That was so unfair: he was her son long before Kurt was her son's fake boyfriend!

"Hello, I'm Malaya, but you can just call me Mal. And you must be Kurt; Blaine has told me so much about you." That was a lie. Blaine tried to say as little as possible about his fake boyfriend, to not get caught up in a lie. She didn't even know his boyfriend's name two days ago.

"I hope only good things. I'm sorry for being late, I got lost. I have to say that you have a really lovely home, Mal." Well wasn't Kurt just precious. Laying it on a bit thick, don't you think?

"Why thank you, Kurt. And don't worry, you didn't miss anything, we haven't started to eat yet." Why was his mom smiling so widely? Seriously? "I have to say that you are so handsome. How did Blaine get someone like you to date him?"

"Sheer luck, I guess," Kurt laughed. "No, honestly, I guess he just has his charm. I'm starting to think that he has inherited that from his mother."

And what the actual fuck? His mom started giggling. Giggling! She grabbed Kurt's elbow and started leading him towards the living room. "Come, darling. Let me give you a tour before we introduce you to the rest of the family. Blaine, please close the doors, it's a bit chilly outside."

Darling? But… but… He had always been his mom's Darling.

And just like that, he was left standing by a still open door with his mom leading Kurt away. The last thing he heard as they rounded the corner was Kurt asking his mom if her dress was a vintage Suzy Perette, and then his mom's squee.

That guy… is so… annoying!

* * *

**Bate read by awesometacular MonkeyMojo.**

**Don't get too used to that. I have to go back to classes next week. Now I'm writing just because I have to stay home and take antibiotics.**

**Next: Dinner.**

**Reviews make me happy, when I'm happy, I glomp my cat, when I glomp her, I pay attention to her. And when I pay attention, I actually remember to feed her, so save the cat!**

**P.S. Someone PMed me and asked, what was up with my weird chapter titles (Houston we have a problem, Let's Put a Smile on Your Face and now Heeeeeeeeree's Johnny). The answer - Let me get back at you on that one. If you know, what they mean, tell me, because I don't. They're from movies. Should I try to come up with something a little bit more…sane?**


	4. You can't handle the truth!

HAPPY GLEE DAY! Who's excited? I'm excited! Wooo! I will watch Glee tonight on livestream. It starts at 3AM for me. Sleep and classes are overrated anyways.

It's been nearly two full weeks without updates, BUT I come with a new chapter extra long chapter AND this one has a Bow Chika Wow-Wow kind of hotness moment at the end.

Now. Hi-yo, Silver! _Away_!

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**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 4**

Blaine finally remembered to shut the doors when a cold gust of wind ruffled his perfectly gelled hair. This just wasn't his day—even his hair was not cooperating with him today.

Stupid hair! He took care of it, only used the best and most expensive products, but still, when it's time for his hair to make him look good, it just won't cooperate. Instead it stabbed him in the back and stole his mom away!

Stupid hair with its stupid pretty eyes!

Blaine shuffled into the living room. Everyone was sitting there and waiting for someone to enter; the whole room was waiting for his boyfriend. When they all saw Blaine enter alone, everyone looked disappointed. He heard his Aunt Nora's rather loud stage whisper, "Well, what'd I tell y'all? He's been ditched!"

That was insulting. He couldn't believe that someone thought that his boyfriend wouldn't actually show up. "Kurt's here. Mom just wanted to show him the house."

Blaine thought he saw Aunt Nora giving money back to Aunt Amelia.

He sat on the couch next to his brothers, Aiden and Patrick, and Patrick's wife, Sarah. Sarah's pregnant; Patrick got married last summer with her - the girl he met during his freshmen year at college. Can you imagine that? He's just twenty-three years old, but he's already married and having a baby? Blaine always thought that at twenty-three he would be just starting to live his life, and Patrick already has a family of his own. And before Sarah, he just had one girlfriend in high school, and she had a ring with the word 'purity' engraved on it. By his calculations, that made Sarah the only one, and that's kinda sad. Blaine thought that people were supposed to go crazy during college, especially when they were freshmen. If you asked for his opinion, Patrick got seriously screwed over. Not that Blaine had anything against Sarah, she's cool – it's the situation he didn't understand. How can people know who is the one for them if they don't explore? Do you just suddenly realize it, once you get older and more desperate, with fewer options? And is it really worth waiting for that someone, if there are seven billion people on the earth and the chances of you meeting them is pretty small?

And what if that someone is in front of you but it's just not the right time or place, and you end up walking right by them?

So many hard questions, that Blaine was too young to answer. Truthfully, he felt like he would never want to find answers.

"Did mom already steal your boyfriend away from you?" Patrick asked. He was sitting with his arms protectively wrapped around Sarah and she was leaning back in his embrace. They were already having a baby, so obviously the honeymoon was over—Blaine didn't get it. What was up with those two and their embraces, long stares, and adorableness?

"No, I told you; mom just wanted to give him a quick tour. They shouldn't be gone too long."

"I just can't wait to see the guy who has managed to catch Blaine's eye," Sarah said in her melodic voice. "I always thought that it would take someone with inhuman superpowers to do that."

Aiden chuckled. "Gay superpowers? Priceless! Now all I can imagine is a guy wearing tights with a big letter B sewn on his chest. You know, B for SuperBottom!"

He got punched in the arm for that one.

Thankfully, Blaine could already hear Kurt and his mom talking outside the doors. And they were laughing. Again he had to ask, 'what the hell?'

Mom and Kurt walked inside the room moments later. His mom had a photo frame in her hands and they were both giggling about the picture. Blaine swiftly stood up and walked to them, he had a bad feeling about this.

"Oh, Blaine, dear, I just had to show Kurt this photo. Do you remember that day at the beach? I love this picture; you just look so adorable with your little shorts on your head," his mom asked in an innocent voice. "Right, Kurt?"

Now he knew what picture his mom was holding in her hands. It was taken on the beach and he was playing a sea pirate. He wasn't wearing his black swim shorts; instead he was naked and had put them on his head, covering his left eye. They were used as a weird bandana/eye patch thing. He was holding a small bucket in his right hand and a small shovel in his left. He was posing as if he was looking at the horizon over the sea, the hand with the shovel in it was shielding his eyes from the sun and the hand with the bucket was placed on his hip.

Adorable was not the word Blaine would use. Mortifying came to mind first. He thought that he had burned all of the copies, but it seemed that his mom still had one. And she had even framed it!

In his defense, he was like four years old, maybe five.

…No more than ten.

"Yes, adorable indeed," Kurt said in a sweet, innocent voice, but the smirk was anything but that. He was laughing at him. He's so annoying. And really hot when he smirked like that.

"Yes, it's an amazing picture. Here, let me take it." Blaine grabbed the picture frame from his mother's arms; he had to make sure it was destroyed as soon as possible. "Kurt, come on. Let me introduce you to everyone else." He grabbed his arm and started leading him towards his dad.

Kurt leaned closer to him and quickly whispered in his ear, "Why didn't you tell me that we had to dress formally? I could have found something more appropriate."

Blaine just gave him an incredulous stare. He was wearing a suit and looked like he was ready for a runway. What would he be wearing if he had told him that this was a formal event?

"Dad, let me introduce you to my boyfriend. Kurt, this is my dad," I introduced them. His dad accepted his homosexuality, but he knew that it sometimes made him feel uncomfortable. He had to sell Kurt to his family as the worst boyfriend ever, and his dad was a good place to start.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir," Kurt said politely. Where was the rude guy from the café?

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you too, Kurt. I wish I could tell you that Blaine had told me a lot about you, but he has been rather secretive."

"Well, I guess he just doesn't like to brag about how amazing I am," Kurt said and Blaine felt hope returning to his life. That sounded like a comment a cocky asshole would make, right? His dad hated when people bragged.

But then Kurt did this little awkward and cute chuckle and Blaine's dad actually smiled at him, it was the most adorable thing ever.

He had to admit; Kurt had some attractive qualities (like his legs, and skin, and eyes...), but his dad had to see through it! Couldn't he see that this guy was the spawn of the Devil?

Blaine started to introduce Kurt to everyone else. There were a lot of people, so he didn't expect him to remember everyone, but he somehow still learned everyone's names immediately. He was perfectly polite and charming with everyone. And his ass looked amazing in that suit.

He's just making an innocent observation.

Like right now, while he was talking with his brothers and Sarah, Blaine was innocently observing how tight his pants were in the front too.

"How far along are you, Sarah?" Kurt asked Blaine's brother's wife.

"Nearly four months. I didn't think that I was getting huge, but I guess I am, if you noticed," Sarah answered.

"No, it wasn't that. I guessed because you have a pregnant woman's glow. You're radiant," Kurt answered, not missing a beat and sounding genuinely sincere. Sarah blushed.

Could anything else go wrong today?

After that they thankfully moved to the dining room. Blaine's family always sits in the same places every time the whole family gathers at their house. Grandpa obviously sits at the end of the table, his ex-wives sitting as far away as possible with them still being in the same room. Blaine's dad sits on his right side, with Blaine's brothers next to him; his mom sits on Blaine Sr.'s left side. Ever since he was a little boy, Blaine had always sat next to his mom. Today, when everyone walked into the dining room, his mom took Kurt by the hand and made him sit next to her.

"Right here, dear. You can sit here," she said.

Kurt had been there for an hour, but he'd already had a fashion conversation with Blaine's mom (_he_ did that every once in a while, when he was younger!), he's being called by Blaine's pet name and now he's taking his place at the table! What next? Would she adopt him and give him Blaine's favorite childhood toy duck?

When everyone had started to eat, Blaine's grandpa was the first one to start the interrogation. "So, Kurt. Blaine hasn't really told us a lot about you. Feel free to tell us everything—hopes, dreams, aspirations, social security number."

"Well, sir, I go to McKinley high school. I'm a good student; I'm on the Principal's List. I live with my dad, he's a mechanic and we own a garage. I help out there sometimes, we work with cars."

As soon as the word 'cars' was uttered, grandpa, dad, and his brothers were listening more closely.

"You like fixing cars?" Aiden asked with a bit of disbelief in his voice. Blaine could understand why. If he hadn't seen it with his own eyes he wouldn't believe that he was a barista. Kurt just looked like a porcelain doll and it seemed like he should be treated that way too. It made him feel weird—part of him wanted to treat Kurt softly and gently, like a doll, to put him away on a high shelf, where no one could reach or touch him, so that he wouldn't get damaged. Another part of him wanted to fuck Kurt in his bedroom with a full moon outside, so that he could see his skin glowing in the moonlight.

He's a teenage boy—you can make a wild guess which part is bigger.

"Yes, actually I do," Kurt answered. He probably had heard people's disbelief before.

"Do you rebuild old cars too?" Grandpa asked. Old classic cars (aka, cars he had back in the day) were one of his weaknesses.

"Well, usually no. Most customers have newer cars, but sometimes I work on special projects with my dad. This summer, when I don't have school to worry about, we're planning to rebuild this 1968 Shelby Mustang GT500 we found in a scrap yard."

After that, everything went sickeningly smoothly. Everyone could talk about something with Kurt. He made jokes, complimented food, cutlery, and room decorations. He talked with Blaine's parent's about politics, held a conversation about a new bestseller book with Patrick and Sarah, and had a witty banter with Aiden. It seemed like nothing could go wrong with this guy around. Everyone loved him. It was Blaine's birthday, but Kurt was the center of attention.

He was stealing his spotlight! At his house! At his birthday party!

And he looked so hot while doing so.

Damn it!

It was time for the cake. Aiden brought it in; chocolate cake with cherries. There were seventeen candles on top of it, representing seventeen years he already had behind him. Seventeen years and he still had so much to do, so much to see. Seventeen years but he was starting to live only now.

"What should we sing?" Patrick asked.

"Please not 'Happy Birthday'. We can do better than that," Aunt Nora said. Blaine didn't point out that actually, they couldn't do better than that. He was the only one in his family with some musical talent.

"How about we sing 'Birthday' by the Beatles?" Patrick offered.

And that's how a great Beatles song was violated.

Unfortunately, he was right about his family's musical talent. Everyone was off key and singing to their own tune. The only surprise was Kurt's voice. He was pushed to stand next to Blaine, and his voice was amazing.

Blaine blew the candles out.

"You have a really good voice, Kurt. Do you sing in a choir?" Blaine's mom asked Kurt, while Blaine was busy taking candles out of the cake.

"Yes, I'm part of my school's glee club, New Directions."

"And he sings too. Could you be more amazing? Blaine, this one's a keeper. You're so perfect together!" his mom stage whispered to him. He saw his dad standing behind her, nodding his head. Grandpa was there too, smiling at him and Kurt.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

"Mom, did you show Kurt the pool? I'll take him there. Let's go, Kurt!" Blaine quickly said, leaving no room for arguments. Kurt looked at him strangely, but followed without any questions.

"But, Blaine! What about the cake?" his dad asked.

"I already cut it before. Dig in and don't wait for us."

"Don't be too long," his mom said, winking at him.

Kurt and Blaine walked outside. The pool was farther away, and tall bushes kept it private. He had to make sure that no one in the house could see what was about to happen.

"What the hell was all that?"

"I don't know what you mean," Kurt said, and he even managed to look like he genuinely had no idea.

"What I mean is why the hell are you acting this way?" Blaine raised his voice a little.

"I still have no idea what are you upset about," Kurt said in his condescending tone. Blaine hated it when he sounded all high and mighty and sexy! "I did everything I could. I was nice to everyone, I was charming. I tried to be the best boyfriend possible."

"Exactly!" Blaine almost shouted. "I didn't need you to be perfect. I needed you to act like that bitchy guy in the café. I didn't need this new, improved and hot version! I thought that you would be a complete bitch, but you're acting fucking perfect."

There was a moment of silence. Well, maybe he was a bit harsh, but his plan was crumbling to pieces. His family loved Kurt. His mom was ready to adopt him! That was not how he'd planned this night. It was supposed to go perfectly wrong; Kurt should have arrived with his mega bitch attitude problem. He had to be out of place, he had to be rude and annoying. Instead he's charming and funny, everyone likes him. Plus, he had made Blaine's night miserable—he hadn't been this sexually frustrated since he lost his virginity years ago.

After a long moment it seemed that Kurt had finally processed what Blaine had just told him. "Oh," he said.

"Yes, oh."

"Well, you should have just told me that that was what you wanted. If I had known, I wouldn't have tried so hard to impress your family."

"Yeah, well I didn't. And now the situation with my mom sucks even more than it did before I introduced you."

"Why did you want me to act like a bitch?" Kurt asked.

"My mom's been nagging me forever. She wants me to have a steady boyfriend, but I just want to be free. I told her that I'm seeing someone a couple months ago so that she would leave me alone. I never thought that it would actually go this far," he answered. "I thought if my mom hated the guy I was supposedly dating, she would leave me alone."

Another tense silence.

"So you lied to your mom, your whole family, and to me, just because you have some serious issues with commitment. And you asked me, because I was the most annoying person you knew. And now you're pissed because your family likes your hired boyfriend and everyone's having a good time? I have to be honest—I think you're crazy."

When he put it like that, it did sound kinda weird, didn't it?

"Are you mad?" Blaine asked.

"Me? Nah. You're paying me. I don't care."

"Really?" Frankly, he was surprised. Blaine had thought that he would be angry, but he was not. He searched Kurt's face for any signs that he was lying, but it seemed like he was telling the truth.

"Really. Besides, you look like a hotter version of yourself now that you're not wearing your uniform."

Wow.

Was he flirting? Blaine thought he was flirting. Guys had flirted with him before, and that's pretty much what flirting usually sounded like.

Kurt's eyes were glinting. He slowly strutted closer to Blaine, his hips gently swaying. He ran his hand across his chest, unbuttoning the jacket he was wearing. He really was one of the hottest guys Blaine had ever met.

"Are you being serious?" Well, this day still could turn out better than expected.

"Oh, I'm very serious. I'm feeling kinda hot myself. I figured that something good still could come out of this shity situation." He lowered his voice, so it was deeper and huskier, "I'm thinking, maybe you could cum and I could too. That would be _good_."

Blaine was all for it even before he purred out the last word.

"Yes, that would definitely be good. That would be better than good, actually."

Kurt came even closer and pressed his whole body against his. "Come on, Superstar," he crooned. "It's your birthday—tell me what gift I should give to you. Anything you want."

Blaine swallowed loudly. "Anything?"

"Mhmm hmm. Anything for the birthday boy," Kurt practically purred. He licked his lips and wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck, leaning into him.

Oh, God! Kurt's warm, lean body was pressed so close to his, his hot breath was warming his skin. Blaine couldn't take his eyes off of his lips, his perfect, pouty lips.

What gift did he want? That's such a loaded question. A million and one ideas were running through his mind. Kurt backed into a wall with his long legs wrapped around his waist. Kurt bent over the pool chair. Kurt spread out on Blaine's father's desk in his office. Oh, that's a good one! What the hell, it's his birthday and he had a hot and willing guy ready to give him a 'gift' of his choosing. He couldn't imagine a better opportunity for some kinky fantasies. Screw the fake boyfriend thing. He may not get out of his mom's clutches, but he would at least get laid.

But there was something that his body wanted so much, he felt like he would spontaneously combust if it didn't happen. He could picture it so clearly—the pool, Kurt's hypnotizing eyes looking into his, looking up to see his face.

"I want you to suck me off. Right here." Oh, yes! After that kind of gift, he could die happy.

Kurt stepped back from him and for a moment he panicked and thought that he was going to back off, but he didn't. Instead he gave him a 'cat who got the cream' smirk and nodded his head. Less than two seconds later he was already reaching for Blaine's belt. He tried to help him with it, but he just forcefully slapped Blaine's hand away (successfully adding a couple of Master Kurt ideas to his already vast amount of smut materials in his head) and scolded him. "No. Let me do this. Let me give you a gift to remember for the rest of your life."

While unfastening Blaine's belt, Kurt started softly humming "Happy birthday to you." Blaine was sure that Kurt was intentionally unbuckling his belt as slowly as possible. "Happy birthday to you." The button slid effortlessly through the buttonhole. "Happy birthday, dear Blaine." The sound of his zipper sliding down, accompanied with a slowly drawled out, "Happy birthday to you," and Kurt slid down to his knees in front of him, bringing Blaine's suit pants and underwear down with him.

Best day EVER!

Kurt was slowly sliding his hands higher up his legs. Blaine's pants were wrapped around his ankles, Kurt's hands started from there. He slowly moved his hands higher up Blaine's legs, brushing his fingertips over his calves, and then softly circling his knees with just the tips of his fingers. When he finally reached his thighs, Kurt scraped his short nails against the inside of his legs. Oh, wow. If he hadn't been painfully hard before he even touched him, this would have done the trick.

He thought that Kurt would reach for his cock next, but he obviously liked to torture him, so, when he reached his groin, his hands slid to Blaine's hips instead. Kurt gripped his hips tightly and chose that moment to look into his eyes. His tight and sure grip promised amazing things to come. Hey, if a guy wanted to only use his mouth, who was he to protest? His eyes were like burning flames. So fucking beautiful!

Two seconds later Blaine's whole world turned upside down—literally.

He didn't even know what happened, he just felt his back break the water surface as he was pushed under. He didn't get to catch his breath, so he swallowed a lot of water. He surfaced after a moment, coughing and spitting, trying to catch his breath and get water off of his face. His pants were still wrapped tightly around his ankles, so he couldn't move his legs. He had to wade with his arms. Kurt had pushed him into the pool.

Kurt had fucking wrapped Blaine's own pants around his legs and fucking tripped him into the pool!

Kurt was no longer kneeling by the pool. He was standing with his arms crossed, and he was giving him the coldest glare he could ever imagine.

"It looked like you needed to cool off," he said. "And if for some reason you still don't get it, let me make it clear for you. If I was drowning, and there was oxygen in your balls, I would rather die in a horrible death than suck you off."

And with those last parting words, he turned around and walked away with his head held high, leaving Blaine still tangled, half naked, and for some bizarre reason still painfully aroused.

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**Beta read by prodigious MonkeyMojo**.

**So there you go! I hope no one was scared by the use of a word 'cock'. If you were, then what the hell are you doing, reading M rated fic?**

**Next update: … someday**

**YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! I got like 57 reviews for the last chapter alone. (My cat can't even turn around on the other side anymore, that's how heavy she is right now.)**

**My first two chapters have been beta read by awesometacular MonkeyMojo. I know that I have problems with switching narratives. I wanted to just call it 'My thing', but MonkeyMojo does a good job. As I said in my last author's note, English is my fourth language. In my native language, we have a very different Grammatik, so I don't really feel mistakes. I do what I can.**

**Question: I originally planned to have 5 or 6 chapters. I have a lot of ideas, so I could make this story longer, or I could just start a new one. Opinions?**

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	5. It's a Wild Goose Chase is what it is

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 5**

Blaine was going to kill his friends. That is, he was going to kill Wes and David, if they didn't die from laughter first.

"Oh, my God! That's priceless! Please, please tell me someone took a picture of you coming back inside soaking wet and dripping water," Wes asked, wiping his teary eyes on his blazer's sleeve.

"We have to ask Aiden. If someone took them, it had to be him," David agreed.

"Shut up, assholes! I'm serious. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to go back inside to change and explain why I was wet in the first place to my whole family? It's not funny!" Blaine growled out.

"Of course. We're sorry; it must have been horrible. We understand," David tried to say seriously before he collapsed back on the table and started laughing hysterically again.

Blaine pouted. "It's still not funny." That only made Wes and David laugh harder.

It was the Monday after 'The Weekend' and they were back in the mall sitting at the pizzeria after school. Blaine was telling his best friends about the birthday party, expecting a bit of understanding. He had hoped that at least he could whine about what a loser Kurt was and they would nod along and throw in some insults of their own. He quickly found out, though, that this was not the Bros before Bro's-hired-fake-boyfriend-who-made-him-look-like-a-fool-in-front-of-his-whole-family case.

David and Wes just didn't get the seriousness of his situation. Kurt had left him in a pool; apparently he had stormed inside the house, made a quick apology to his mom and dad for leaving early, and drove away. That's it; he was gone just like that.

Blaine got out of the pool and trudged inside. After seeing him come inside all wet, and after Kurt's sudden leave, everyone just kind of assumed that they'd had a fight, so he didn't have to explain that. His mom's first words to him were, "What did you do?"

Why did everyone automatically assume that it was his fault?

Blaine didn't want to make up excuses right away, so he just walked away to his room to change, his mom following right behind him.

"Blaine, answer me! Why did Kurt leave like that, he looked upset. What did you do to him?" she had asked.

"What did I do to him? Why are you blaming me – maybe it was Kurt who did something wrong?" he had snapped back. He was wet, cold, and sexually frustrated – this was not a good time for an argument, because he might end up saying something he didn't want to.

His mom caught up with him, spun him around and put her hands on his shoulders before saying, "Darling, you know that I love you more than anything. My kids are the most important thing to me, and you have always been my baby. But I know that, and I say it because I love you, if someone's to blame, it's you."

Blaine couldn't meet her eyes when he asked, "Why am I always the one to blame?"

His mom gently stroked Blaine's cheek before she answered his question, "Honestly, because, darling, it usually is. And maybe it's my fault too – I let you get away with too much, but what can you do – love for your child can make you blind. You do know that I always just want what's best for you, right?" she asked. Blaine didn't speak, but he nodded to give her an answer. His mom gave him a kiss on his cheek and then pushed him away towards his bedroom door. "Go change; you're ruining an amazing carpet."

And with those words an amazing mother/son moment was over. Also, it could be the perfect moment to come clean and just to tell the truth. Did Blaine do that? Were his next words "Mom I have to tell you something. It wasn't real; I'm not really dating Kurt"? Of course not! Telling the truth now would not lead to anything good. Parents are proud when their kids admit their wrongs and act like adults only in movies. In real life Blaine would probably be in the retirement house and still grounded. Also his mom might cry; he couldn't let that happen.

And that was that. No one else mentioned Kurt that night. Well, almost – his family's biggest party animal, Aunt Nora, did catch him later on that night. It was close to midnight; some of his younger cousins and all of his grandpa's ex-wives had already crashed in guest rooms. Others, like Aunt Nora, Patrick, and Aiden, were just starting to 'celebrate'. Bottles were emptied, fun was had and karaoke was killed. Literally. His favorite karaoke CD was somehow thrown outside through a window. Aunt Nora had stumbled over to him, she threw her hands around his neck and stage whispered/slurred in his ear, "Too bad birthday boy won't be gettin' any real fun tonigh', you know. You know? Ahh, you probabl' know. When I was your age I already knew, let me tell you. There was some serious knowin' going on after my prom, if you know what I mean…" Blaine drowned out everything after that for the sake of his sanity.

And if Blaine was being honest with himself, it _really_ was too bad. So, Kurt had made a fool of him, because everyone assumed that he was dumped on his birthday for something he did, but, when he finally went to bed that night around four in the morning, his thoughts and dreams were still plagued with him. They were filled with Kurt naked in the pool with him, with Kurt first putting him down and then pushing him down and having his wicked way with Blaine. God, he must be a masochist. It was Kurt 24/7, like his brain was permanently tuned to Kurt – the all day and every day Kurt channel.

And those pesky ideas hadn't left him since then.

And maybe, just maybe, his mom was kinda, possibly right. It could be his fault. Maybe.

David brought him back to now when he asked, "So, what exactly are you going to do about it?"

"Do about what?" Blaine asked.

"About Kurt. You had a deal, didn't you? Are you, like, going to talk to him again? Did you call him? Are you going to pay him?" he asked.

"I…don't know. I don't really think that I should try to contact him. I tried calling, but he's not picking up. I get why. And I haven't decided what I'm going to do about the money," Blaine replied. It was half truth; he really was kind of afraid of seeing Kurt again and what might happen, but he already sent money to his bank account yesterday morning. Originally they had agreed that he would pay half before his birthday and the rest of it after the party – that way they both knew that the other one couldn't back out and screw them over.

Although Kurt only caused him troubles, Blaine still decided that he would pay for the rest. He told himself that it's because he felt charitable. Truthfully, it was mostly because he felt slightly guilty. And because Kurt might go after him if he didn't; for such a prissy guy, he sure could hold his own.

But he didn't tell Wes and David about that, because hours after he sent Kurt the money, he received it back, and not just half of it; Kurt gave him back every penny.

The message was clear; he will not take Blaine's money, even if he lost his job because of it.

Blaine called him, but Kurt did not answer his phone. After the tenth call he decided that he was starting to become creepy and it was Kurt's own problem if he couldn't get over himself.

Wes and David were silently communicating with their eyes, until they somehow agreed that Wes should be the one who talked some sense into Blaine. "Listen, Blaine. We both think that you should talk with Kurt. You need to set the record clear, if for nothing else than because money is involved. He really needed money to keep his job, it was important for him. He's not like us; he's not a private school kid with a trust found, Kurt probably can't afford to spend that amount of money. We will understand if you won't pay-"

"-We might think you're a complete dick-" David added.

"-But we will understand. As long as you tell him that to his face."

"Think about the bright side – he works at a café; there are no pools to push you into there," David offered. The bright side sucked badly, so Blaine didn't want to think about the dark one.

But his friends were right – Kurt might have sent his money back, but he didn't have to. Blaine didn't care; he received ten times that amount just in birthday presents. If Kurt could just swallow his pride he could pay for the ruined wall and they could both go on like nothing ever happened. It would be just like before they met; only now Kurt was the main character in Blaine's overactive teenage nightly fantasies, but that was not important. Kurt obviously didn't want to be cast for this role, so it did not matter.

So he came back to mall two days later, this time alone. When they first met, it was Wednesday; Blaine hoped that Kurt would be working again today. He stood outside of Sunny Sun Café for five minutes, then walked away, but came back after another ten. It's just something he had to do; he told himself to stop being such a pussy and finally walked inside the café.

His first thought: Kurt was not there.

His second thought: What if he was fired already? How was he going to find him then?

Blaine decided that his best plan was to go up to the register and ask the girl behind it if she knew anything about him.

"Welcome to Sunny Sun Café, where we put a smile on your face every day! Today's special offer is the town's best freshly baked donuts glazed with chocolate! Extra happiness hormone just for $0.75!" the girl said before Blaine even opened his mouth. When Kurt had said almost the same exact thing he'd sounded like it physically hurt him to do so. This girl was so chipper and upbeat she must have had at least five coffees today. Her voice rose slightly at the end of every sentence so they all came out sounding like exclamations. Blaine almost wanted to take a step back from her.

"No thanks. I was actually looking for someone, umm…Linda," he read off her name tag. "I need to see Kurt Hummel."

"Who?"

"Kurt Hummel? He works here, doesn't he? Well, he did last week, I hope he still does."

"Nope. No Kurt Hummel here. It's just me and another barista and she is most definitely not a boy. Would you like some coffee! It's, like, extra good today! I could make you some real quick," she said and had already pulled a cup out from the dispenser. 'Yes, definitely high on coffee,' Blaine decided.

"Are you new here? Maybe you just don't know him, he probably was fired recently."

"Nope again! I've been working here for a year. I know everyone here; it's not that hard, really. There're just three people! What do you want?" she asked. Blaine didn't understand her question at first, but then she motioned with her head to the coffee cup.

"Oh. A medium drip, thanks."

"Maybe you're at the wrong place, the wrong café? Trust me, it happens. This one time, I came to work, went behind the cash register and only then realized that I was at the wrong café! Can you believe it?"

"Honestly, yes I can," Blaine mumbled.

"Oh, it's happened to you too? Awesome!" She put the empty cup in the coffee machine and tuned back to him. "My shift should have been over by now, I'm just waiting for the other barista to arrive; she's running late. Maybe, when she arrives, we could go to some other café and look for your friend there! Together!"

Of course. This day would not be complete if he wasn't hit on by a girl. Blaine was not one to boast (according only to him), but it happened a lot. Well, one more girl would be let down gently.

"I'm flattered, Linda. You seem like a…an interesting girl, but I'm not really interested."

"I could totally help you with searching – I'm loud and am not afraid of going up to strangers!"

Clearly she wasn't getting it.

"No. You're very pretty but you're not my type. And by type I mean gender."

Linda looked at him with her big wide doe eyes for a long moment. And then she laughed. That seemed to happen a lot to Blaine lately. "You thought I was asking you out?" she said. "Why would I do that? As soon as you walked in I knew that you're super gay! With curly hair like a sheep too short for my taste, but mainly gay."

Burned by a crazy coffee junky – this was not Blaine's day.

At that moment another girl walked inside; she was corpulent with skin the color of dark chocolate and wearing a bright canary yellow and lime green striped jacket. The new girl said to Linda, "So sorry I'm late, Linds. Some moron had parked his car in front of mine and I couldn't get out of McKinley's parking lot. The boy's lucky I didn't just ram his car; if he had arrived a few seconds later he could've picked up pieces of his car from the pavement."

"Nah, it's alright, I'm in no hurry. I was just planning to go home and then take a short fifteen mile run anyways!"

"Right," the new girl said. She clearly agreed with Blaine that Linda was on the crazy side. Still, she gave her a thumbs-up and told her, "Well, you do that!"

"You bet! Bye-bye!" And with that Linda was already away.

Blaine took his coffee and stirred sugar into it. He put a plastic lid on his cup and was just about to leave when he noticed the new girl pulling on a uniform shirt. A uniform shirt with a faded coffee stain on the left sleeve.

He didn't make a mistake! (And his internal voice started to sound a lot like Linda's – her energy was infectious.)

He approached this new barista, whose name tag read 'Mercedes' and asked, "Do you work here?"

Mercedes looked at him, then down at her uniform shirt, then back at him as if he was crazy. "No," she said, dripping sarcasm, "I just steal their stylish work clothes."

Yeah, stupid question. "Do you know Kurt Hummel?" Blaine asked.

"What does it matter to you?" She was being careful, not giving away anything. Blaine took it as a sign that this girl indeed knew who he was talking about.

It looked like Blaine needed to turn on his charm to get his answers. He was not proud of it, but desperate times called for desperate measures – even flirting with a girl.

He leaned in and put his elbows on the counter, getting closer to Mercedes. He put on his best smolder and told her in a husky voice, "Well, babe, he's my friend who worked here. I figured that you could help me find him. We could look…together."

Mercedes raised one eyebrow and leaned even closer to Blaine's face. She looked straight in his eyes and said, "First of all, get your arms off of my counter, or I will remove them myself. Secondly, if you were Kurt's friend, you would know that he doesn't and has never worked here. So, no, we will definitely look for him 'together'. And most importantly, I'm not your babe."

Burned twice in one day. By girls! This is definitely not Blaine's day.

Clearly Mercedes wasn't going to tell him anything, so Blaine decided that it was best for his health if he just stepped back and walked away.

"Okay then!" Blaine grabbed his coffee and took off.

He did not run away, he just…walked really briskly.

That night, as soon as he was back in his room, Blaine opened his laptop. He was no closer to finding Kurt, but at least he had a lead. Mercedes was Kurt's friend and she went to McKinley – it was located in Lima. That's where he would start.

Now it was no longer just about giving Kurt the money.

One day Kurt was the barista, the next day he wasn't. He was a total jerk in that café when they first met, but he charmed his family as soon as he opened his mouth. He looked like a complete wreck that first day when he was working, but like a model when he arrived at the party. He needed money.

Blaine opened Google and typed in 'Hummel Lima' and pressed the search button. It was no longer just about tying up loose ends. He needed to know.

His search results came back few seconds later.

Blaine's next stop – Hummel Tires & Lube.

* * *

**Beta read by marvelous MonkeyMojo.**

**Da da da dummm! The plot thickens. (Or maybe appears) Ok, raise your hands or glass, if you saw that coming. Anyone? Not that many things happened this chapter and there's no Kurt, but I promise, there's lots of Klaine coming up.**

**Started this around 9 PM and finished at 1 AM – just two hours before Glee. Is anyone else watching it on live stream at 3AM, or am I the only weird one?**

**I started writing some things down last week, but pretty much ended up deleting everything and later on regretting; they could have made nice outtakes. Oh well, you live and you learn. From now on I will save every word I write down no matter how little sense it makes.**

**SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION: I did write something else than 'Perfectly Wrong'. There's a fic called 'Kurt, his Blaine and Blaine's 'Cerberus'', check it out. I consider this fic my attempt at being serious (am I failing?) and that one as a humor fic. I can't really tell you, where idea for that one came from, sometimes my thought process even scares me.**

**I'm considering writing a thesis called ''Positive effects of REVIEWS on heart'', but I need some proof to back it up. So help me out; you know what to do!**


	6. Do, or do not There is no 'try'

**Yes, I know it's been a long time since last update (12 days? 13?), but as a peace offering I come with 'an update of humongous proportions' (as jadi16 put it) filled with delicious Klaine goodness. Okay, no, not so humongous, but next chapter should be a quick update. It's already 1/3 done. Originally I wanted to make this chapter longer, but decided to cut it.**

**Just realized that I should have a disclaimer, so: I don't own anything, except everything I do actually own, like Grandpa Blaine, for example. (What are you supposed to say in these things?)**

* * *

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 6**

Blaine was driving in his car towards Lima and he was trying to come up with some kind of plan before he arrived there. So far he had nothing.

Today, right after school ended, he just got inside his car and started driving towards Lima. He had the address of Hummel's Tires & Lube, but that was about it. For all he knew, maybe it had nothing to even do with Kurt. How many Hummels could there really be in a city like Lima? Also, if by some miracle it was somehow connected with Kurt, where would he go from there? Say, just for example, it is somehow connected to Kurt; it's still not likely that he would actually be there.

Blaine really needed to come up with a plan and soon, because he just passed the sign that said ''Lima 20 miles'' with an arrow pointing in the direction he was heading.

Blaine had stopped on his way there. Twice actually; he drove off the road, repeating to himself, ''What the hell are you doing? This is insane, I should turn back now.'' But he didn't. Something kept him going. Call it curiosity or slight obsession – whichever you prefer.

Well, curiosity killed the cat, but Blaine had never been a cat kind of person anyways. Now, if curiosity had killed the dog then he would be more wary.

He's still trying to come up with something, anything, when his cell phone rings and he answers it without even checking who the caller is; he keeps his eyes on the road.

''Hello?'' Blaine says.

''_Blaine? Hi, it's me,''_ a voice he doesn't really recognize says on the other end.

''Who's me?''

There's a moment of silence and then, _''Nate.''_ Still doesn't really ring any bells. _''Nate Brown. We met, like, two weeks ago at the club Essential.''_

Now Blaine is starting to remember. Nate Brown – a cute guy he hooked up with last time he went out with some of his friends. There was some grinding, some kissing and some action in his car. He vaguely remembers giving Nate his phone number just in case, if he ever wanted a repeat – it wasn't a big deal, just a random hook up, but there are only so many young, decent looking gay guys where he lives. Repeat performances sometimes are his only choice.

''Right, I knew that.''

''_Sure. So I was thinking, I'm free tonight and my parents are away celebrating their anniversary. I have a house all to myself, and I thought that maybe, if you're free, you could come by. I could remind you exactly who I am and what we did, just this time without the uncomfortable back seat.''_

''Sorry, I'm busy,'' Blaine says and rudely their ends call right there. He throws his cell phone down on the passenger's seat and focuses completely on the road.

A minute later the fact that he just blew off a guy who wanted to have sex with him just to go looking for Kurt finally registered. ''Fuck!'' he loudly swears to himself. Seriously, why did he do that? Night of sex vs. wandering around Lima and looking for a guy who would probably kick him in the balls if they actually did meet again – there should be no contest! Nate had been fun. Probably. Blaine had a bit of a drink that night, so he doesn't really remember any specialties or even what Nate looked like other than greenish eyes and unruly dirty blond hair. However, he was offering sex – why would any teenage boy say no to that?

Still, he doesn't turn around. There must be something wrong with him. His hormones are not happy for it, but it's not really a choice anymore, it's something he has to do.

But then he sees a sign that says ''Welcome to Lima!'' and it feels like a certain point of no return. He's already here; turning back now would just be a stupid waste of petrol.

Blaine found 'Hummel's Tires & Lube' in just ten minutes. The place looked exactly like he had imagined it: a small car shop, tires piled outside of it and the asphalt in front of it was covered with oil stains. All in all it was completely ordinary and completely not Kurt.

Blaine sat in his car for at least ten more minutes, still not sure what he was even supposed to do now. But the sign outside said that they were open only until six and it was already past five o'clock, so if he didn't go in now, it would be too late.

When Blaine walked in the car garage there was a smaller room with a front desk, and shelves with oils and liquids Blaine didn't recognize. Blaine noted that on the front desk small triangular and square pieces of tires were stapled, their patterns almost making a mosaic. It was a nice touch. The garage looked empty at first glance, but he could hear someone so he called out loudly, ''Hello!''

There was some rustling and then a man, dressed in coveralls and wearing a baseball cap, came to the front desk. His name tag said 'Burt'. He said, ''Yes, how can we help you?''

It was time to think fast and it was a good thing that Blaine was good at it.

''Umm…my car. It's…umm…ticking?'' he stammered. Maybe he wasn't as good as he thought. In Blaine's defense, cars were not his thing, but even he knew that cars were not like clocks.

'''Ticking?'' Burt asked in a patronizing tone. He clearly had come to the conclusion that the boy had no idea what he was talking about on his own. He looked amused by Blaine's explanation.

''Well, not exactly ticking per say. It was more like clinking. Yeah, like a clinking kind of ticking noise.'' And then he tried to make a noise that could be a clinking or ticking car. Burt had one raised eyebrow and was giving this 'I think you're clearly not sane' look – Blaine had seen that one somewhere before but he couldn't say exactly where.

One lame moment after another; it was just not his week.

''Okay, kid, bring the car in and we could take a quick look.''

''Right. Well, I'll just…I'll go get the car now?'' Blaine asked.

''Yes, it usually helps if there's a car to actually look at,'' Burt told him.

''Of course.'' Blaine turned around and walked back outside. There was something about Burt; something told him that he was not a guy he wanted to mess with. Blaine wanted to get in his car and drive away while he still could, and he would do exactly that if Burt didn't seem so intimidating to him.

Blaine drove his car inside the garage. Burt guided him inside and motioned with his hands to a place where he stopped and turned off his engine. Blaine got out of his car and immediately noticed the smell of petrol and oil. There were two more people working on cars; a man even older than Burt and someone else he couldn't see clearly because they were working underneath a car farther in the back. A radio was on and playing some 80s soft rock song.

'''Well, there was no ticking noise when you brought her in for sure,'' Burt noted.

''Yeah. Maybe it was just ticking for a moment?'' Blaine said, a pink blush spreading across his face.

Burt popped the hood and looked inside. ''Hn,'' he made a sound, directing it towards Blaine. ''I don't see anything seriously wrong, but we could just check for everything. It's late already, but if you could leave the car overnight you could have it tomorrow around ten o'clock.''

''I can't. I don't live in Lima, I need my car to get home,'' Blaine said. Well, he needed to get home, but he also knew that there was nothing wrong with his car anyways, so leaving it in the garage was completely pointless.

''Well, kid, I need to go soon, but I could get someone else to check it out so that you can get safely back home. We wouldn't want your car ticking on the way, would we? It won't take too long.''

''Yes, that would be good,'' Blaine said while already secretly planning how to get away as soon as Burt left.

''Okay then,'' Burt said. He turned towards the back of the garage and shouted loudly over the sounds of the radio and metal hitting metal, ''Kurt!''

Blaine's heart surely must have done a somersault. Forget leaving as soon as possible and forget that Nate guy; coming here was so worth it. Kurt rolled out from beneath the car he was working on. He was wearing the same kind of coveralls Burt was, but Blaine didn't think for a second that Burt looked good in them – that would have been just plain creepy. Kurt on the other hand was rocking the look. He wasn't as put together as he had been the day they met; Kurt's hair was disheveled and there was a smudge of oil on his forehead, like he had tried to wipe sweat from it with a dirty hand.

Blaine clearly saw the moment Kurt noticed him; his eyes widened and then his facial expression turned stony. Maybe Blaine hadn't been too wrong about Kurt possibly kicking him in the balls. He certainly looked like he could do that.

But despite the look that promised pain, Blaine still thought he looked hot. As soon as he had seen Kurt dressed like that Blaine had remembered this one porn movie he had seen. What? He was clicking through channels late at night and just happened to come by it. Okay, so he had later looked up the name of it online and downloaded it for…more thorough inspection. Because the camera men had done a really interesting job with the lights, he swears!

Anyways, that movie had started with a hot man whose car broke down on the side of an abandoned road, luckily another very sexy guy came by who just so happened to work in a garage and who was driving during the middle of the night on the same abandoned road. There was some bending over the car, lines like ''Do you think your tool is big enough for this job?'' or ''Let me, I know how to make someone purr again'', followed by sex on the car, in the ditch, in the car, and finally they both went to some truck stop where there was fun times with everyone who was there.

From now on, in Blaine's mind, the two main guys in this fabulously thought out and complex story would be forever replaced with him and Kurt. Well, in the first part with the ditch and the car, not the truck stop, because that was just plain weird and freaky. Also unsanitary.

''Yes, dad. What do you need?'' Kurt asked Burt and came over. Wait – Dad? So Blaine had been thinking kinky, scandalous thoughts about Kurt and working with his 'big tool' while standing right next to his father – he felt so dirty all of a sudden.

''Hi Kurt,'' Blaine said before he thought that it might not be a good idea.

Burt turned to him, then back to Kurt. ''You know this guy?'' he asked his son.

''Yes, I know him,'' Kurt answered, without going into many details.

''Is he one of those guys from your school?'' Burt asked again in a strict tone. He didn't sound too excited about meeting Kurt's schoolmates. His voice, actually, sounded almost angry. Blaine wanted to take a step further back from him.

''No, Blaine doesn't even go to my school,'' Kurt told him. He finally glanced at Blaine just for a moment, then explained to Burt, ''He's also in a glee club.''

Blaine thought that it didn't really explain anything, but Burt instantly was more relaxed and didn't seem so hostile. Why was some guy from a random show choir so much better than his son's school mate?

''I need to leave now if I want to make it in time to my doctor's visit. This guy here needs his car checked out – it was supposedly ticking.''

''So, what am I supposed to do? Grab a mirror and check for bombs attached beneath the car?'' he asked, clearly not happy about spending more time with Blaine.

''Just do this one, Kurt,'' Burt said, looking in his son's eyes. They both held each other's gaze for a moment, before Kurt finally said, ''Okay, fine. I'll do it. But you'd better leave now or you'll be late for _your _check up.''

''Sure, kid.'' Burt grabbed some regular clothes, which were hanging on a hook by the doors, and started to head back to the front room. He stopped by Kurt's side and put a hand on his son's shoulder. ''You'll close when you're done?'' he asked.

''You know I will,'' Kurt answered.

Burt squeezed his shoulder again and headed towards the doors.

Kurt shouted after him, ''Dinner's at eight. I'm making chicken.''

''Can't wait, I'll be there,'' Burt shouted back before exiting.

There was a tense silence now that Kurt's dad was gone. They both just stood there and looked at each other for a moment, before Kurt loudly said, ''You should go home too, Ernie. It's almost six anyways and there probably won't be any more customers.''

Blaine had completely forgotten that there was another guy in the room with them. Kurt went to his car to take a look, while Ernie too gathered his stuff and put away the tools he was using. Blaine didn't want to break the silence until they were completely alone. Finally Ernie grumbled a goodbye and walked outside.

Blaine was about to say something, but Kurt beat him to it. ''Is your family in the mafia? Because that might explain ticking noises coming from your car. Also, it could explain how you're such an asshole.''

''There's nothing wrong with my car,'' Blaine confessed.

''Then why are you here?'' Kurt asked, looking up from Blaine's car.

''You didn't take the money.''

''Well spotted! ''

''I went to the café where I first saw you, and they told me that you didn't work there. Did you get in trouble for that ruined wall?'' Blaine asked.

''No, I didn't,'' Kurt told him, but didn't explain anything more.

''A girl who was there at that moment also told me that no Kurt had worked there.''

''I'm sure she did. Your point? ''

''Then what were you doing there that day?'' Blaine asked, getting frustrated with Kurt's short responses.

''How did you find me?'' Kurt asked back to him, not bothering to answer Blaine's question.

''I asked you first,'' Blaine told him.

''I didn't turn it into an argument worthy of five year olds. How did you find me?''

Blaine clearly saw that he was not going to win this argument so he answered, ''Your friend who worked at the café said she was from Lima. I Googled your surname and Lima and found this garage, so I just decided to come here and try to find you myself.''

Kurt sorted. ''No, that's not stalker-ish at all. Just out of curiosity, if I hadn't been here what would you have done then? Followed my dad to our home in your car?'' he asked.

''No! I don't know what I would have done, but I wouldn't stalk you,'' Blaine tried to reason. Truthfully, he actually might have followed Kurt's dad home if he had known that they were related. But it's not like he would sit in the tree outside Kurt's window.

Unless he got really desperate. There's no telling what he would do then.

''I answered your question, will you now tell me what were you doing there at the café that day?'' Blaine asked again.

''Working,'' Kurt answered just as shortly as before.

''But you don't work there,'' Blaine almost shouted. Kurt was reminding him why he thought he was the most annoying guy ever when they first met.

''I've noticed, '' Kurt said calmly, leaning back on Blaine's car.

He was just so…so…UGH! Blaine was tired of Kurt not giving him any straight answers. Plus, he was leaning back on Blaine's car in a way that once again made him think of that porn. If this was a movie, Kurt would take his clothes off next to 'fix a leaking radiator'. (Blaine's favorite porn – heavy on action, light on plot. Just like his usual guys.)

Unfortunately, this was not a movie and Blaine's radiator was fine. But they were alone in the garage and Kurt definitely looked too good to pass this opportunity.

Blaine thought that Kurt must be just messing with him. He was being so cool and collected, but definitely putting off some 'I want you bad' vibes. Maybe this strange physical attraction was not just in Blaine's mind. What if Kurt felt it too?

The other boy was leaning back on Blaine's car, holding himself up with his arms. He was nibbling on his own lip slightly and Blaine wanted nothing more than to do it in his place.

Blaine crossed the space between them and came as close as he could. He stepped between Kurt's legs, effectively pinning the other boy against his car. His ruffled hair, his smudged forehead, his beautiful eyes and pouty lips – everything looked so inviting. And Blaine was never one to turn down an invitation.

Blaine leaned in for a kiss and he thought that Kurt was leaning closer too, but just as his lips were about to make contact, he was pushed away. Not shoved, like when Kurt pushed him in the pool, but just slightly pushed; Kurt was still holding his shoulders at arm's length.

''Wow there! What do you think you're doing?'' Kurt asked.

''I was trying to kiss you,'' Blaine told him. He was confused, because he had thought that Kurt wanted it.

''And why would I want to kiss you?'' Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow in disbelief. Almost exactly like Burt had done when Blaine told him his car was ticking – that was a very mood killing thought.

''Umm…I thought…'' Blaine began.

''That's something new,'' Kurt sniped.

''You were giving off some 'come and get me' vibes. I'm sure of it.''

''Yeah, right. I don't want to get anywhere near any part of you, so there definitely won't be any 'getting'.''

Blaine smirked and said, ''Do I need to remind you that you already got close to some of my parts?''

''Please! Like that's anything to write home about. I want no repeat performances,'' Kurt said in a snobby tone.

Did he insult Blaine's manhood? That was not cool, especially because Blaine was sure that there was nothing to insult. Kurt was just making cheap insults.

''Stop being such an ice prince. I know that isn't true. I've never had any complains,'' Blaine told him confidently.

''Well that's just because your right hand can't talk. Or is it left?'' Kurt replied and gave him a shit eating grin.

Blaine was fuming. Most annoying guy ever.

''If your car's fine you should leave now. Stop wasting my time,'' Kurt told Blaine and stepped away from him.

''Fine. But this is not over,'' Blaine told him and got in his car.

''Of course it's not,'' Kurt said in a condescending tone.

Blaine quickly reversed out of 'Hummel's Tires & Lube'.

It took Blaine few minutes to realize that:

He still had no idea why Kurt was working but then not working at Sunny Café;

They didn't even talk about money;

Once again he was left painfully aroused.

Damn that Kurt Hummel!

Blaine passed a sign that said, 'You're leaving Lima now. Come back again soon!'

''Oh, I plan to,'' he told himself.

* * *

**Beta read by wonderful MonketMojo. (And I'm running out of synonyms to tell you you're amazing - I shall go, find my dictionary. :D)**  


**So tired, it's almost 3:30 AM.**

**So there you go. I got side tracked so many times while I was writing this. Like that line, when Blaine thinks that Kurt will kick him in balls, if they meet again. I wrote 'kick in the balls' and then had to Google, if that's how you say it in English. Then I found spent next hour on YouTube watching Sports Science and world's record of hardest kick in the nuts. Fascinating. **

**Still many great things to come. Blaine's mom and Blaine Sr. will definitely make their returns. Oh, and some sexy goodness too. I did rate this fic M for a reason.**

**I have epilogue written; so I know how it ends. Do you? I can spoil, that it will be kinda happy, but probably not too mushy and cute. What can I say; I'm just not a fluffy kind of person. **

**I haven't been replying a lot, but I promise that I will work on that. **

**I can't really explain, how much your reviews mean to me. I jump and I scream. My cat hides underneath my bed, because I probably scare her. Then I spin around and around in my chair and smile like a lunatic. At that moment my brother teds to walk by my room. When he sees me, he just shakes his head, because in his mind, I have always been few pieces short of complete puzzle.**

**So yeah, your REVIEWS make me smile and smiling increase life span, or so I've heard, (Until that episode, I only knew that smiling helps not to vomit -_-) so make me live longer so I can write more!**


	7. There is no spoon

**A/N In this universe New Directions and the Warblers were not competing against each other in their sectionals or regionals. Also, I shall ignore '' Night of Neglect'' (season 2, episode 17). Why is important – read to find out!**

* * *

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 7**

'''Mhmm, yes! Just like that,'' a husky voice moaned in Blaine's ear. Skin, slick with sweat, was pressed against skin. Warmth was seeping into him from another body. Their shirts were unbuttoned. Blaine was straddling the body beneath him, pressing down, grinding against the other's erection.

''Oh god, Blaine! Harder!'' Nate ordered, scratching his nails down Blaine's back until he reached his ass. He grabbed it and pressed Blaine even closer.

''I'm not getting there,'' Blaine said, not even knowing why.

''Well,'' Nate breathed in his ear, ''that's just because you're all tied up.'' Nate suddenly grabbed Blaine's open dress shirt and pushed it off him. His right sleeve wasn't unbuttoned so the shirt caught around his wrists. Nate bunched Blaine's shirt in his hands behind the other boy's back, holding tightly. Blaine's hand was tied and he could not get free. Nate smirked at him, ''See?''

''I think he has you now,'' another, different voice suddenly drawled right next to him.

Blaine sharply turned his head, his heart pounding. Someone was here! Someone had walked in on Blaine making out with Nate in his room.

And that someone was Kurt. He was sitting in what looked like the chair Blaine had in his Dalton dorm room, straddling it. Kurt had put both elbows on the back of the chair; he was holding his head up with one hand and twirling a tire iron at an amazing speed with the other.

What was Kurt doing here? Why was he in Nate's room? Or was it Blaine's room?

But those were not the questions Blaine asked first. Instead he said, ''Who has me?''

Kurt just smirked and pointed to other body beneath Blaine with the tire iron. ''Obviously, he does, moron. Do I have to yell to make it clear to you_?_'' he told him.

Blaine twisted around to look at the other boy on the bed. Lying beneath him, still holding his hand tightly behind Blaine's body, was Kurt. This Kurt was also smirking at him with the same, identical annoying smile.

Kurt sat up suddenly, pressing their torsos together. He pulled Blaine's hand back even harder. His right arm hurt, but instead of trying to get free he wrapped his left arm around Kurt to hold the other boy. Kurt leaned in and pressed his lips against Blaine's neck, sucking hard, definitely leaving a bruise.

Blaine was grinding down on Kurt now, trying to get more friction. He was hard and aching, but Kurt just seemed so soft – he could not press hard enough.

Kurt bit down hard on his neck, then whispered in Blaine's ear, ''Hey, I'm trying to sleep here!''

''What?'' Blaine asked.

Then Kurt leaned back, raised his right eyebrow and promptly smacked Blaine across his head.

And then Blaine woke up with a jolt, almost falling out of his bed.

He was clutching one of his pillows tightly with his left arm and by the spit stains on it, he had definitely tried to either eat or make out with it. His right arm was thrown up behind his head and was completely numb; he had to reach back with the left one to pull it down, because he could not move it.

Then he registered that something had indeed hit him in the head.

''Dude, shut up! The sounds you were making sounded like a lemur's mating call*****,'' his roommate said.

''Sorry,'' Blaine apologized, rubbing sleep out of his eyes with his left arm; his right still wouldn't cooperate and now it just felt like it was being poked with hundreds of small, hot needles. Red numbers glowed on his alarm clock, showing that it was 4:11 AM – way too early to be up.

''Can I have my Scratch back?'' Nick asked.

''What?" Blaine was still not understanding what just happened. He looked in bed behind him – there was Scratch, the squirrel from Ice Age, the plushy that Nick had thrown at his head. ''Oh, right.'' Blaine picked up Scratch and threw it back. Nick caught it and snuggled it in his arms. ''Sorry,'' he apologized again.

''Yeah, yeah, whatever, man. Just keep your dreams to yourself, and no more tacos with hot sauce before sleep for you, buddy,'' Nick said and turned to face the wall away from Blaine and went back to sleep.

Nick's breathing had evened out in less than five minutes, but Blaine could not go back to sleep. For some reason his heart was racing and he just couldn't shut his brain off – Blaine's dream was replaying itself over and over again in his mind. Where was Leonardo DiCaprio when you needed him to steal something away from your head?

First Blaine cock blocked himself in real life to chase after some guy who pretty much hated him and now he was cock blocking himself again, this time in his dreams. And again it was happening because of the same fake barista/fake boyfriend/yet to be determined mechanic guy!

Blaine decided that, he didn't know how exactly, but somehow this was definitely Kurt's fault!

* * *

That day after classes Blaine once again got in his car to take a trip. No, not to Lima, although he thought about it. He wanted to go see Kurt again, so that he could force him to stop being a smart ass and to just give him straight answers. And then he could totally go in for another kiss.

He wanted to do that so badly – and that's exactly why he didn't.

Blaine thought about it and realized that after their last meeting and his last night's dream, there was no way he could face Kurt right away again. He needed some time to collect himself, maybe to prepare what he will say when they do meet again. He could write down a speech or use cards. Or write down key points on his hand; what was the point if last time they saw each other Blaine left without getting any more answers, just more questions?

Blaine was nervous about seeing Kurt, because every time they saw each other he was left looking like a fool. No one had ever got under his skin quite like this boy. He was annoying yet witty, scary yet hot. Also, Blaine decided, he needed a few days to get it in his head that no, jumping Kurt right away was not indeed an option. It was weird; that had never happened in Blaine's life before.

So instead of going to Lima, Blaine went back to the mall. This time he left Wes and David at 'home' so to speak, (_''Now play nice, kids, while I'm away. No fighting, no stealing cookies from the cookie jar, and don't talk with strangers, even if they offer candy. Agree only if they offer money.'' ''Go fuck yourself, Blaine.'' ''Language, young man!''_), and he was on his own.

Blaine was wandering around the mall, no particular destination in his mind, and before he realized it, he was standing outside Sunny Sun Café. He debated going in there for a moment, but since this day was about getting away from Kurt, going to the place where they first met did not seem like a good idea.

Instead Blaine spent nearly an hour just walking around and window shopping. It was terribly dull. He had planned to come up with some ideas, and instead he'd managed to find one jacket he liked, checked out few guys, and probably got a blister or two on his heel.

He passed by Sunny Sun for what felt like the hundredth time that day, although it was more like fifth, when he heard a voice.

''Are you seriously stalking me? Because I've seen 'The Bodyguard' and if you have a piece of my clothes hanging in your locker like that creepy guy who had a piece of Whitney's costume, I will call the police.''

''Kurt?'' Blaine turned around. He didn't want to believe it, but there he was – in all his bitch of the day glory. Kurt was standing behind him, wearing what appeared to be a military jacket, which looked eerily like those worn during the French Revolution, and extremely tight black jeans. He looked good, Blaine noted. He always looked good, so how the hell he could have thought he was nothing special the first time they met Blaine couldn't understand.

''No!" Kurt gasped mockingly, then pretended to look around. ''Where?''

''What are you doing here?'' Blaine asked.

''That's a question I would like to ask you,'' Kurt said, once again ignoring Blaine's question.

''Well, you would like to ask, but you didn't, so you answer first,'' Blaine told him, feeling triumphant. Kurt just gave him that I-think-you're-an-idiot look and clearly refused to answer. Blaine sighed, ''Why do we always have to do what you say?''

''Ever heard of the expression 'follow what your brain tells you, not your dick'? Clearly, between two of us, I'm the brains. You can figure out for yourself which role you have.''

''I was just walking around, window shopping. You?''

''The same,'' Kurt answered.

They stood there just looking at each other for a moment. An uncomfortable silence settled in.

''Well, '' Kurt began, ''as thrilling as meeting you has been, I will go now. It was fun and all that, hope to never see you again.''

''Wait!'' Blaine called out before Kurt could leave. ''We should talk. Do you have a moment?''

''There's nothing to talk about,'' Kurt replied, denying Blaine's request.

''I think there is. Just…just please? I know that things kinda went from bad to worse between us, but there are things I would like to say,'' Blaine pleaded. Kurt did not look convinced, but then again he wasn't running away screaming either. ''I'll buy you a something to eat?'' he offered.

Kurt hesitated for a moment before answering, ''Of course you will. I will need to be filled with good food if I have to be in your company.''

Blaine smiled. ''Great, let's go. Sunny's is right here, so…'' he started, but was interrupted.

''No. I said good food. We'll go somewhere else. Come on, '' Kurt ordered, turned around, and started briskly walking away, leaving Blaine to catch up.

Kurt was walking very fast, not even bothering to check if Blaine was following, but of course he was. Blaine felt like he had to sprint just to keep up. ''Will you slow down? Is there a reason why we're practically running?'' he asked.

''Yes there's a reason why I'm _practically running_. I was trying to keep a bit ahead of you, because I don't want to be seen out in public with you. Shut up, it looks like we know each other if we're talking,'' Kurt hissed.

Blaine was annoyed by Kurt once more verbally attacking him. He caught up with Kurt and put his arm around other boy's neck, pulling him in a slight embrace. He intentionally laughed loudly and said, ''Oh Kurty! You're too funny.''

He got elbowed in ribs for that, but Kurt's angry face was so worth it.

They went into a pizzeria and sat down in a booth as far in the back as possible (Kurt's choice). A waitress arrived and gave them their menus. It was decided by Kurt that Blaine would offer to pay for their meal, so when their waitress came back Blaine was not surprised by fact that Kurt ordered the biggest pizza they had with pretty much everything you could get as a topping, and then, instead of sharing, he asked Blaine what he was getting.

Blaine didn't complain once – he would write that down as his good deed of the day; once back at Dalton he would be able to untie a knot in his Boy Scout necktie. ******

Blaine opened their conversation while they were waiting for pizza, ''So…why were you working in that café the day we met?''

Kurt sighed. ''Oh God, not this again. Honestly, we went over it. I was _working_,'' he stretched out the last word. ''I know a spoiled rich boy like you might not be familiar with the concept. Or is it because that word has more than five letters in it? Is that too much for you to comprehend?''

''You were not working. At least not for real; I went there and was told that no Kurt works there.''

''Again with the stalker.''

''Why do you do that?'' Blaine asked. ''Why do you never give any straight answers?'' he asked, his eyes never leaving the stunning boy in front of him.

''Why is your hair not official in the Guinness book of records as the hardest material known to mankind? Some things just can't be explained,'' he shot back.

Blaine didn't say anything; he just patiently waited, not taking his eyes away from Kurt, keeping eye contact. His mom always used this trick to make him admit everything he had to hide. He waited for Kurt to start confessing.

And he didn't have to wait long. Kurt leaned back into the cushion, feigning indifference, and said, ''It's none of your business, but I was helping a friend, if you have to know.''

''Helping a friend?''

''Yes! Do you have hearing problems too? I was helping Mercedes. She had missed a lot of work days because her little sister was sick; her boss already hated her. That day she had to go to a funeral of a family friend's, but Hatfield wouldn't let her leave again. So I offered to work in her place just one time. She told Hatfield that I was qualified and everything would be fine. But then that asshole showed up and…well, you know the rest of this story, '' Kurt explained.

A light bulb went on in Blaine's head. ''So,'' he asked, ''that was her uniform?''

''No, I just so happen to have ugly uniforms from all of my friends' work places sitting in my closet – it's a secret pleasure of mine,'' he said sarcastically.

''And the money?''

''Hatfield said Mercedes would lose her job if I didn't somehow pay for the ruined wall. I couldn't let that happen; I would have paid myself, but then you showed up.''

''But you didn't take my money. Did you pay for it?'' Blaine asked.

''Yes.''

Blaine felt bad for Kurt. It's not like Blaine couldn't have paid for paint and everything, put Kurt did it himself, because he had too much pride to take his money.

''Kurt, I could still pay you back, '' Blaine offered.

''I don't need your money.''

''No, listen. I get that you have too much pride or something, but it's really not a big deal. I know that our deal didn't exactly go as planned, but I just feel like I should still pay you,'' Blaine said, not backing down. He was trying to do the right thing for once.

''_No,_'' Kurt emphasized, ''you really don't have to. You're not the only one with well off grandparents who love to spoil their grandson. Plus, I do actually work in a garage, remember. It's only a couple of hours every now and then, but I don't do it for free.''

''Then why did you agree to our deal if you didn't need money?'' Blaine was curious.

''Because, '' Kurt started, but didn't finish his sentence. He took a sip of the Cola he had ordered and began one more time. ''Because you were just so desperate, you were willing to pay. I probably wouldn't take your money anyways, but just the fact that you had offered showed me how much you needed it. And you were cute. You told me that you needed a date to show to your parents; I just kinda assumed that you were maybe recently dumped or you didn't have anyone to go with because you were the only gay guy in your school or whatever. I thought that you might be alone in this. Just like me, '' Kurt finished, saying his last sentence just barely louder than a whisper.

Truthfully, Blaine's mind did freeze a little right after the 'you're cute' part, but he still heard it all. Cute; Kurt thought he was cute. Granted, 'cute' was not as good as 'handsome', 'magnificent', or 'sex god incarnate', but Blaine would take 'cute' for starters.

All this time Blaine had wondered what Kurt really thought of him and now he knew at least something. Maybe he did have a chance to get that birthday present someday after all.

''And then of course you turned out to be a douche bag who only asked me because you were sure that your family would hate me,'' Kurt told him in a less somber voice.

Blaine might need to wait for that birthday present for a long time after all.

''About that,'' he started, not really knowing how to phrase it correctly. He rarely apologized to anyone. ''I'm, like, sorry for that.''

''You're, like, sorry or sorry?'' Kurt asked, not letting Blaine get away with a half-assed apology.

''I'm sorry.''

''Good. For what?''

''For everything?'' Blaine more asked than stated. He didn't know what Kurt wanted from him.

''No, 'everything' is not good enough. I want you to say ''Kurt, I'm sorry for…'' and to continue with listing things that you're truly sorry about. I don't need your apology just because you feel like you have to say it. You can spare me if you don't mean it.''

''I'm sorry fo-''

''_Kurt_, I'm sorry for.''

''—Kurt, I'm sorry for asking you because I thought that you would act like a total bitch around my parents,'' Blaine finally finished.

''Nice,'' Kurt added.

''I'm also sorry for acting like a douche bag,'' Blaine said, repeating Kurt's earlier words.

''And?''

''And…and I'm sorry for making you meet my family?'' Blaine said, trying to guess what else Kurt wanted to hear.

''No, not that. You told me it was just a family gathering, nothing formal,'' Kurt told the other boy.

''I'm not apologizing for that. You were dressed in a suit!''

''Well, I could have found something better if I had known. Forcing someone to be underdressed should be a crime,'' Kurt explained.

''You still looked better than anyone I have ever seen!'' Blaine exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

''Yes, well,'' Kurt said, blushing, ''that's completely beside the point!''

''Fine, I'm sorry I didn't tell you it was formal. Apology accepted?''

''I'll think about it.''

''You…you'll think about it? Can't you just say yes and we could leave this behind us? What would it take for you to believe that I'm truly sorry? I would do anything," Blaine asked, not even considering his words.

There was a spark in Kurt's eyes, which scared Blaine a little. ''Anything?'' Kurt repeated.

If there was a moment to back pedal, this was it, but of course, Blaine being Blaine, does not think things through before he acts.

''Anything,'' he agreed.

''Okay then. We'll make a new deal. You're in your school's glee club, right? You didn't get through regionals,'' Kurt said to the male sitting across from him.

''Yes?'' Blaine answered truthfully. He was wary about where this was going. The Warblers did great in their sectionals, but they were facing against Vocal Adrenaline in regionals, so they came in second.

''Well then, as you may know, New Directions are going to nationals in New York. We're currently trying to raise enough money but we still need a lot. We're all doing our best. And you – you are going to help me get more money,'' Kurt explained, feeling triumphant.

''Of course, sure! I can send you money, how much do you need?'' Blaine asked. This was something he could do; giving money was no problem.

''No, '' Kurt corrected him, ''you're not _giving_ me money. You're helping me _raise_ the money. Good for you that you have so much money, but I think that working for something might help you out too. You need to work and it's for a good cause too. You will thank me for making you a better person.''

''Work? How?'' Blaine was not too excited about that. He had never worked a day in his entire life, but he was still a teenager; not that many kids his age had! At least none of Blaine's friends from Dalton had ever worked.

''We'll have bake sales, or something. I still haven't figured it all out, but you will help me with whatever it will be,'' Kurt told Blaine. He took another sip of his Cola, hiding his sinister smirk with the glass.

Bake sales? Blaine had never cooked anything in his entire life; well, making a sandwich and boiling eggs didn't count. But if this was his one shot at getting closer to Kurt? He had to do it, and how bad could it possibly be?

''I'm in!'' Blaine said, already excited about future possibilities.

''Amazing,'' Kurt said and raised his glass of Coke in a toast.

''But just so we're clear – this is not just something you will use to embarrass me?'' Blaine asked Kurt, completely not convinced by this 'good cause' thing.

''Would I do that?'' Kurt gasped, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

Yes. Yes. He totally would.

* * *

**Beta read by MonkeyMojo.**

***Lemur mating call – look it up on YouTube. :D Also while you're there, you could check out Leopard Slug mating. It's so shiny! WARNING: You might get traumatized by both of those videos! ;P **

****For those who don't know this – there's a tradition to tie an extra knot in scout's necktie every morning. During day you have to do a good deed and then you can untie it. Knot shows that a good deed was 'knot' done or something like that. (And why the hell is Blaine a boy scout – because he could totally rock those shorts. LOL (I should totally write a fic with Kurt and Blaine as boy scouts. Don't know, if there's something like that already written.))**

**I set a deadline to myself to finish this chapter before new Glee episode and I literary wrote last word at 2:58 AM (Glee starts at 3 AM for me). I'm proud of myself. And sleepy.**

**I have this theory that REVIEWS might bring world peace. Hey, it's worth a shot - be the good samaritan.  
**


	8. It's keggers with kids all next year

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 8**

Blaine woke up from the sound of his cell phone ringing. He had left his phone on the night stand next to his bed, but since it was Saturday today he shouldn't have a wakeup call.

"Wha-huh?" he mumbled, disoriented from sleep. It was still dark outside, but Blaine could tell that sun would rise soon. He blindly reached for his iPhone; his vision was still blurry from sleep, so Blaine didn't know who was calling him.

"Hello?" he said, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"_I need you!"_ a deep voice, that Blaine didn't recognize, said.

"Wes?"

There was a short pause. _"No. I need you. I'm coming for you,"_ the voice boomed.

"What? Who is this?" Blaine asked, instantly more awake. He sat upright in his bed.

"_I'm coming for you and you won't escape!"_ the same low, threatening voice said. Why was a strange man calling him during the night and telling him that he's coming for Blaine?

"Look, I don't know who you are or what you want, but this is not funny," Blaine said. This better be a prank call.

Blaine had received anonymous calls from homophobic jerks before, he knew how it was. They talked crap, but that was it. He was also familiar with guys, who had been one night entertainments, not getting the memo and calling him over and over again, but this was different. The voice was almost too deep to belong to a teenage boy.

"_Oh, but I think it is,"_ someone said on the other end, and laughed. This high pitched melodic voice was recognizable.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked, not sure. He took his phone away from his ear and now he could clearly see that it indeed was Kurt who was calling him at 4:30 a.m. "Who was that man talking before?"

"_What? What are you talking about? It was me,"_ Kurt told him. The other boy was clearly more awake than Blaine was; he could hear an engine working. Was Kurt in a car?

"Why are you calling me?" Blaine asked once again.

"_I told you – I'm coming for you. Get ready, I will be there in half an hour and you better be dressed and at least presentable or I will be forced to drag you out of your house with your footy pajamas still on. We're going to raise some money for New Directions."_

"What? Now?" Blaine asked, not really believing that the other boy was making him get up at 4:30 a.m. on Saturday morning. And how did Kurt know about his footy pajamas?

"_Yes, you have twenty-eight minutes to get ready. That's enough to shower, get dressed, and maybe to grab something to eat, but not enough time for you to cement your hair – perfect. I'll bring coffee,"_ Kurt said and ended the call.

Blaine fell back on his bed. Four-fucking-thirty in the morning! Was Kurt crazy or just sadistic? At first he considered blowing Kurt off and refusing to go anywhere but thinking about that led him to thoughts of just blowing Kurt and then, of course, Kurt blowing Blaine.

Blaine rolled out of bed, practically falling out because he was tangled up in his sheets.

He had to switch on the lamp that was standing on the night stand; it was still too dark. Blaine managed to find something that looked like a presentable outfit and socks that almost matched; it was as good as it could get. He got in the shower and cleaned himself as quickly as possible. After showering, he quickly shaved, surprisingly cutting himself only twice, brushed his teeth, and got dressed. Blaine didn't do anything with his hair – he didn't have enough time and without the hair gel nothing else worked.

He tried to walk as quietly as possible downstairs, because everyone else was probably still sleeping. Blaine went to his kitchen first to find something edible in the refrigerator. He had two choices between his mom's leftover Cesar salad and a slice of cold pizza from Friday movie night with his brother; obviously he chose pizza.

Kurt had promised coffee, so he quickly downed a glass of orange juice in a time that only teenage boys could manage. Blaine was washing his ketchup covered fingers in the sink when he heard someone coming in the kitchen.

"Blaine? Why are you up so early, darling?" Blaine's mom asked. She was dressed in a long cotton night dress and fuzzy pink slippers. This sleepy woman with frizzy hair looked nothing like that sophisticated lady Blaine was used to seeing – he thought she looked amazing.

"I'm sorry I woke you up. I'm going out," he apologized to her.

"At this hour?" his mom asked, going to the coffee machine and putting some coffee in it.

"Kurt asked me," Blaine explained.

His family still had no idea what had really happened with Kurt. Everyone assumed that Blaine was dumped for something he did and that they had broken up. Blaine didn't really try telling them something else – he couldn't have come up with a better lie on his own.

His mom was obviously trying to get more information out of him. She was calling regularly and asking if Blaine had talked with Kurt, if he had apologized. Blaine told her the truth; he told her that Kurt was angry and not answering his calls. He told her that he was still not over Kurt and was just not ready to see anyone else, but that didn't matter anyways; Blaine's mom did not want to set Blaine up with anyone else. She was dead set on Kurt and Blaine being together. For her, Kurt was paragon of everything her son's boyfriend should be.

Instead of being nagged about finding boyfriend, now Blaine was nagged about being with Kurt.

When she heard that, Blaine's mom was fully awake. She clapped her hands excitedly and said, "Oh dear. That's amazing! Are you going on a date? Did you apologize? Where are you going?"

"Easy! One question at the time, please. Yes, I apologized, but it's not a date; I'm just helping him out. And I still don't know where we're going."

"Well, if you're not sure then you just have to work on making it a date. Complement him, be nice, and buy lunch or dinner. Make it romantic. Here," she said and reached for the vase standing on the kitchen table. She pulled out a white orchid – one long stem with at least seven beautiful, white blossoms. She dried it with a kitchen towel so that it wouldn't be dripping and gave it to Blaine. "Give this to him. Everyone loves flowers."

Blaine's phone went off. He looked outside the kitchen window and saw a black Navigator sitting in front of the house. Kurt was here.

"Mom, I have to go," Blaine said and took the flower she was pushing into his arms. He went to put on his shoes and his mom followed him.

"Did you brush your teeth? Have breath mints?"

"Yes, mom," Blaine said while he was tying up his shoes.

"Are you wearing clean underwear? Something sexy?"

"Mom!"

"What? I know you kids; young love is so passionate. No need to be shocked, I still remember my first fight with your dad. We made up in the parking lot behind our college dorms. Good thing it was night, if someone had seen us or how the car was rocking, we-"

"Okay, mom!" Blaine yelled. This was not something he needed to hear, especially this early in the morning just minutes after he ate. "I'm going."

"Darling?" Malaya's voice stopped him at the doors. Blaine turned around and saw that she had extended her arms, waiting for a hug.

Blaine gave his mom a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. She held on to him longer than strictly needed and whispered in his ear, "I just want you to have someone to share your experiences with – good and bad. You're almost a grown up and you won't always run to me whenever something goes wrong. I know teen romances usually aren't forever, but they can be magical while they last."

She let him go and went back to the kitchen. Another great opportunity to tell her the truth had passed.

Kurt was waiting outside in his car for him. Blaine got in and buckled his seatbelt before he shoved the flower into Kurt's arms.

"Oh wow. You shouldn't have," Kurt said in a monotone voice.

"My mom made me give it to you. It's an orchid," Blaine explained, leaning back in his seat.

"Thanks, I know what it is. I'm not an idiot," Kurt snapped, running his fingertips over soft petals. He said, "I did think that your mom is kinda cool. I have no idea how someone so nice could raise someone like you."

"I'm sure that your mother is sarcastic and snarky just like you, right?" Blaine snapped back.

Kurt got quiet. "No, no she's not," he said softly and started the car.

"See! If we're both not like our mothers, then your mom must be an amazing woman, because you're kind of a jerk. Where did she go wrong in your upbringing?"

"She was amazing," Kurt said.

Blaine put his head against the window, closing his eyes. It was just 5 a.m.! "Was?" he asked.

"She's dead," Kurt explained.

Blaine opened his eyes and took a look at Kurt. The other boy was pointedly not looking at him. "Oh. Well don't I feel like an asshole now. I'm sorry," Blaine apologized. He didn't know what to say.

"Forget it," Kurt told him, keeping his eyes on the road.

They didn't speak for a while; the only sound in the car was the radio that played some 90s pop songs.

Kurt had two coffee cups in the cup holders. Blaine realized that he had no idea where they were going. It seemed like they were driving to Lima, but he wasn't sure. He finally got curious and asked, "Where exactly are you taking me?"

"Do you like surprises?" Kurt asked.

"I hate them," Blaine answered honestly. In his opinion, it was better knowing beforehand, surprises almost always turned bad.

"Then you're going to hate this one too, because I'm not telling you," Kurt told him. He motioned with his head to the two cups that were in the cup holder. "Drink your coffee, I promise I didn't put laxatives in it. Or drain cleaner."

Blaine took a sip. "I love "Heather"," he said.

"I love to make fun of horrible 80s outfits and hair," Kurt answered.

"Are we actually agreeing on something?" Blaine asked.

Kurt looked at Blaine and their eyes met. Blaine realized just now that they had been sitting in the car for at least ten minutes now and they were actually getting along. He felt like, at that moment, they had some kind of connection. Kurt smiled and turned his eyes back to the road.

"If by agreeing on something you mean that I like to make fun of things you like, then yes, I think we are," Kurt answered him.

So much for connection.

Blaine nodded and said, "It's a start. You never know; we might find more things like that and bond over them."

"I already know one – you're in love with yourself and I love to make fun of you."

"Just drive," Blaine told him and took another sip of his coffee. It's too early to talk, too early to trade insults (or to be insulted) and it's just too early to function properly in general.

Blaine leaned his head against the window and fell asleep.

* * *

"The nursing home?" Blaine asked, confused. He felt the car coming to halt and opened his eyes only to find out that they were parked in the parking lot of the nursing home. It was located in a beautiful three story building that looked a lot like Dalton academy on the outside. The manor was surrounded with trees and gardens. This definitely looked like a nursing home for retired politicians, doctors, and celebrities. If Blaine's grandfather wasn't living with his family, he probably would be in a place just like this. He looked at his wrist watch and saw that it was just after 7 a.m. – still too early. Blaine had slept almost the whole time on their way here, except for couple of moments when Kurt had hit a bump in the road and Blaine's head hit the window. After third time it had happened he took off his hoodie and put it underneath his head but it didn't help too much. After the fifth time it happened Blaine started to think that maybe Kurt wasn't really trying to not hit those bumps. He had a golf ball sized bruise on his head to prove this theory.

"Yes, we're at the nursing home," Kurt affirmed.

"If this was supposed to be my surprise, color me unimpressed. I've never been here before."

"No! Really? I had no idea. You just look like someone who regulary hangs out at nursing homes. You're certainly as grumpy as an old geezer," Kurt said, his words coated in sarcasm. He had unbuckled his seat belt and was getting out of the car. Blaine followed him.

"It's not even 8 a.m.. Why are we here? I thought you said we're raising money for your glee club. Are you planning to break in and steal old people's money and gold teeth or something, because I got to tell you, you're neither smart, trying to break in while it's bright outside, nor sneaky, breaking in while wearing that outfit. You could at least wear one of those skiing hats with holes in it. Or tights pulled over your head."

Kurt, who was wearing a bright yellow shirt with a navy blue vest and dark jeans, definitely did not look like a criminal mind. As lowly as his outfit was, it was not suitable for blending in. Kurt, as usual, stood out like a lit candle in a dark room.

"Oh please! I would never wear a skiing hat, even if I just needed it to cover my face. I would definitely use a mask that looks like someone famous. Maybe I could find a Patti LuPone one, and I would pair it with an all black ensemble."

"_Mhmm, Kurt in __a __tight burglar cat suit," _Blaine thought, but said out loud, "You really have given it some thought, haven't you?"

"There's an outfit for every moment of your life," Kurt explained.

"Can you tell me why we're here?"

"You really are slow. We're raising money by singing to old people. We're throwing them a concert and asking for donations. We're not getting paid, so no one can get us disqualified, but fund raising is allowed. There are a lot of rich people in this nursing home," Kurt explained. He opened the trunk. "Help me with this stuff. I'm always the one who has to bring all of our outfits and props, because I have the biggest car. So unfair."

Blaine walked around the car and saw that Kurt's car was full with bags containing clothes, guitar cases, and even tambourines. Kurt picked up some bags and pushed them into Blaine's arms. He himself took fewer bags and started to walk towards the nursing home.

"I still don't understand why we are here at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Isn't it too early for a concert?"

"Old people don't realize or care that others don't like to get up at dawn. They go to sleep at nine and wake up around five; to them it's already noon. Besides, it's the weekend so their children and grandchildren will be visiting later," Kurt explained. He opened the front door using his elbow. Kurt held the door open, leaning against it, and maneuvered inside, shutting it after himself and leaving Blaine outside to fend for himself.

"Jerk," Blaine called after him. He too opened the doors and got inside. The nursing home on the inside looked exactly like he had imagined it. The walls were a neutral cream yellow color and Blaine could already see at least three paintings of fruit bowls and flower arrangements. But the décor was still nicer than in most similar establishments. The house itself was old, but it clearly had been modernized, because it had an elevator. And Kurt had been right – Blaine could already hear people talking and walking around despite how early it was.

"This way," Kurt said, leading the way. They walked down the hall and to a room that looked like a common room. There were couches and tables with board games stacked on them, the walls were lined with high bookcases. There was someone already there before them.

"Puck! I told you to move those couches away to make room for our performance. I don't remember telling you to take a nap! Why aren't you doing anything? We don't have that much time, I won't be able to do justice to my opening number if I don't go through my vocal warm ups beforehand. Mariah's classic "Without You" is a difficult song and I have to prepare my voice!" A short brunet girl was yelling at a boy who was sleeping on one of the couches. Blaine thought that it was admirable how someone could sleep through the girl's screeching. Now she was going on about acoustics and something about the light from the window hitting only her left side.

"Relax, Berry. Half of the people here are probably deaf anyways, so they won't be able to hear you," said a Latina girl who was sitting by the bookcase, flipping through a magazine. "I'm actually voting for not letting you sing at all. The sight of you in that dress might make them go blind from how awful it is."

Another girl was lying down on the floor on her back and holding a cat in extended arms above her. "You're a SuperCat, aren't you? If I shaved you, would there be an emblem on your chest or do you wear a costume over your fur?" she asked the cat.

"Brittany, let go of the cat! Some old lady is probably looking for him," Kurt told her. He dropped his bags on one of the couches and Blaine did the same. "I still have other stuff in my car, so someone could go get that. Oh, and this is Blaine," he added as an afterthought. It looked like everyone was informed about Blaine joining New Directions, because no one bothered to ask why he was here.

An Asian pair went out to get rest of their things. Blaine asked Kurt quietly, "Is this your glee club?"

"Yes. Mike and Tina went out for the rest of our things. The annoying one is Rachel, Puck's the one on the couch, Santana's the bitch pretending to do something, and the girl with the cat is Brittney. Finn slept in, so he will be here after some time, and he's also picking up Quinn. Mercedes and Sam had to work, so they couldn't come, and Artie's dad couldn't give him a ride. Artie's in a wheel chair," he explained.

"And what exactly am I supposed to do?" Blaine asked.

"You did say that you're in Dalton's glee club. You'll sing with us."

"You want me to sing with you? Don't you have choreography? Or a set list that I need to know?" Blaine asked. How was he supposed to perform with New Directions if he didn't know their step combinations?

"Not really, no," Kurt told him, pulling out some outfits from the bags. "We still have time. We start our concert at eight thirty, which gives us a bit more than an hour – that's more than enough time to change into our costumes, move all the furniture, come up with a set list, figure out choreography, and for Rachel to get on everyone's nerves by forcing us to do vocal warm ups."

And true to his words, they actually were ready to perform on time. Blaine helped Puck, who eventually managed to get up, and Mike to move and arrange furniture the way Rachel wanted it. Kurt gave him a blue dress shirt, which smelled like someone had been buried in it, and a black tie to change into. He could wear his own jeans. Kurt said that someone named Matt had previously performed in it. Whoever this Matt guy was, he definitely was bigger than Blaine, because he looked almost like a kid wearing his dad's clothes. Still, he did the best he could, rolling the sleeves up and tucking the shirt in.

Blaine was told that everyone was singing solos or duets and they were doing a group song in between. Rachel wanted to sing first to 'start the show with her awe inspiring performance.' Luckily, Blaine knew the lyrics to most of their group songs – they were mostly older and well known songs.

There were some arguments about everyone's solos.

"But I really want to do it," Puck told Rachel.

"I am happy that you're so opinionated – it's a quality that is necessary for every lead singer, but I just don't think that Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is an appropriate song for a nursing home performance," Rachel said to him.

"Did you see those nurses? I already made plans to spend this night with at least one of them."

"Oh, yeah. The one with the red hair. Mhmm," Santana added. Everyone turned to look at her and she quickly backtracked. "I mean, I would like to ask her who styles her hair. It's very…red. I've been considering changing my hair color."

"I want to sing my original song," Brittney suddenly said.

"You wrote a song?" Santana asked to her. The blond girl was still sitting on the ground, squeezing the cat she had dubbed SuperCat.

"Yeah. It's called "Taking Care of My Pussy." It's a grunge song about Lord Tubington and his struggles through the years with addictions."

This was followed by silence.

Blaine was told that he has to perform the third solo after Mike and Tina's dancing/singing/Asian duet. No one even asked him what he was singing or if he needed any back vocals or instruments. New Directions clearly worked very differently from the Warblers.

At eight twenty, the nursing home residents started to come inside the room. Some visitors had arrived too, so it wasn't just elderly people. At eight twenty-five a tall boy and blond girl finally arrived – Blaine assumed that they must be Finn and Quinn. Rachel started their concert with a long speech and Mariah Carey's song. After that they did their first group song, which was Queen's "Somebody to Love". At first Blaine tried to imitate the sounds of the music, but then remembered that New Directions wasn't an _a capella_ show choir. He did try to do some of his Warbler's 'step-step-turn-shuffle' moves, but New Direction's choreography consisted of mostly just walking around in weird patterns and raising their hands. With every moment Blaine felt more and more like an idiot.

Why did Kurt think that he could do this? Blaine felt stupid not knowing what to do. He followed the others and copied their choreography, but he was still a step behind everyone. Blaine doubted that anyone noticed, but he still didn't like it. On the stage, Blaine was used to having control. In the Warblers he was the soloist and everyone followed him; if Blaine shuffled to left side of the stage the Warblers did the same in the background. If he jumped on the furniture, they circled him and were ready to soften his fall by letting Blaine crash on them. Here, he was one of the guys in the background, following someone else and doing it badly.

Blaine noticed that Kurt was smirking at him. He was definitely enjoying Blaine's discomfort.

When it was time for Blaine's solo he finally had a chance to show Kurt what he could do. Blaine picked up the guitar and sang Bobby Darin's "Dream Lover," charming every grandmother in the room. During his performance he walked around the room, going close to their viewers. One old lady, who had to be at least eighty, grabbed his leg and almost didn't let go.

Hey, it was not his fault that no one could refuse his charms.

His performance was met with a round of applause from the old ladies. The one that had grabbed him almost looked like she was ready to throw her granny panties at him.

"So, how did I do?" Blaine asked Kurt while Santana was singing her solo, fishing for compliments.

"You were…adequate," Kurt said, not looking at him.

"Adequate? I'm guessing I was more than 'adequate' judging by the way you were practically drooling," Blaine teased.

"I was not! I was just worried that one of your groupies would shatter her pelvis trying to jump on you."

"So you do admit that it was groupie-worthy?" Blaine smiled. Kurt could no longer deny how amazing he was.

"More like cheesy. Come on – we have to go sing again."

Kurt was one of the last performers. He got in front of everyone and stood with one of his hands on his hip. When he was ready he motioned with his head to Finn, who started the CD player. Blaine immediately recognized the Beatles' "Let It Be."

Kurt sang it beautifully. Blaine, of course, had noticed how high Kurt's voice was when he was talking, but when Kurt was singing, it was perfect. It was a sad song and it had always depressed Blaine but, when Kurt sang it, the song had a completely new meaning. Blaine couldn't take his eyes off of Kurt. He was like a moth to a flame.

Then he realized something important – he wanted Kurt. He wanted Kurt badly. Before this, Blaine had thought that Kurt was hot, with an amazing body and gorgeous face. He thought he could get a blowjob during his birthday party, but Kurt tricked him. He went for a kiss that day in the garage, but Kurt pushed him away. Kurt was constantly challenging him; he was insulting Blaine and making him feel like an idiot.

Obviously, Blaine wasn't trying hard enough if he still hadn't had Kurt moaning and writhing beneath him. But the third time's the charm.

Blaine promised then and there that he would get Kurt Hummel.

The end of their hour long concert was met with another round of applause. They all went on stage and bowed to their public. During their concert New Directions had sent around a big jar, bedazzled by Kurt, to get their donations. One of the visitors, a man in his fifties, dressed in a suit even on Saturday, who was visiting his father, threw in at least a few hundreds.

After everyone cleared out of the room, they had to put the furniture back. Everyone changed back out of their costumes and gave them to Kurt so he could fold them in a way he deemed appropriate. Blaine didn't even know that there was a wrong way to fold anything!

Once again Blaine thought how lucky he was to be in the Warblers; they would never do something like this to earn money. The school always paid for everything and even if it didn't, students had enough money to pay for their own needs.

On their way out, the same old lady who had grabbed Blaine during his performance waited for them by the entrance. She slowly shuffled closer to them, walking with the help of a cane. She stopped in front of Blaine and told him, "_Y__ou_ can come visit me anytime." Then she winked at him, or at least Blaine thought she did. She had so many wrinkles around her eyes that it was hard to tell.

"I'll…keep that in mind," Blaine said with a polite smile. He practically ran outside, but he looked back only to see that the old lady was checking out his ass. Traumatizing.

"Maybe I could try to pimp you out to her? I could make good money from you," Kurt said, standing next to Blaine.

"Jealous?" Blaine asked him, winking at Kurt.

"Yeah right! She's not your type."

"I actually meant to ask if you were jealous because she liked me and not you, but if that's the way you understood it…" Blaine said, feeling victorious when Kurt blushed.

"Hey, Kurt! Burt said that dinner's at seven and mom is cooking something special. It's family night tonight. Our six months moving in anniversary, or something like that," the tall boy, who Blaine guessed was Finn, called.

"Sure. I'll just give Blaine a ride and then I'll head straight home," Kurt said back to him.

"Cool," Finn said. He turned to Blaine and looked surprised, like he had just noticed him for the first time. "Wait! Who are you?"

Didn't Finn notice that he was there during their concert, Blaine wondered?

"I'm Blaine," he introduced himself, offering his hand for a handshake.

"Finn," the taller boy said, grabbing Blaine's hand in a firm grip. "Are you, like, with Kurt?"

Kurt said "No!" the same exact moment that Blaine said "Yes."

Kurt looked at Blaine and glared at him. "He's a friend. We got to the same yoga class and Blaine's in his school's glee club. He offered to help us, and since we were a few members short I thought it was a good idea," Kurt lied to Finn.

One of the blond girls, Quinn, impatiently called Finn's name. She was standing by the car, waiting.

"Oh, yeah. Okay. I'll see you back home, dude," Finn told Kurt. He also said goodbye to Blaine, saying, "It was nice meeting you, Blaire!"

"It's actually Blaine," he said, but Finn had already jogged to his car.

"Blaire? I like it."

"Shut up," Blaine cut Kurt off.

"Aww, don't be like that! It's just changing one letter. "N" or "R" – what's the big deal?" Kurt said, mocking Blaine.

"Oh? Well, in that case you won't mind if I do the same to your name, Kunt?" Blaine asked.

"Shut up," Kurt said, this time snapping at Blaine.

* * *

Kurt parked his car in front of Blaine's house. He said, "Well, I would like to say that it was fun, but I can't, so…"

"Liar," Blaine stated.

"Okay, maybe it wasn't _as_ bad as I thought it would be," Kurt agreed.

"As first dates go, this was probably a pretty good one," Blaine said, smirking at the teen next to him.

Kurt spluttered, "First date?"

Blaine used Kurt's shocked state to his advantage. He quickly grabbed Kurt's shoulder and pressed his lips against the other boy's in a small peck. He wanted to do so much more than that, but this was neither the time nor the place, especially because Blaine's mom was probably watching them from the kitchen window.

"I say this to a lot of guys, but this time I actually mean it – I'll call you," Blaine said. He threw Kurt a wink and got out of the car. He didn't want to press his luck just yet.

But soon. Very soon.

* * *

**Edited by MonkeyMojo.**

**I felt guilty for not updating for so long, because you guys sent me so many reviews filled with positive words. I squeal every time I read a positive review. (And don't really care about a negative one. If you don't like this story, don't read it. I definitely won't lose sleep over that.) And I'm sorry if I have traumatized you with slug mating. ****J**

**In next three weeks I have six exams and I still have to finish a term paper. :(** **But, despite all that, I come bearing gifts - 5000 words chapter! It's my longest chapter so far.**

Lev-squenk** asked me, if I could include Kurt's deep voice a la 'Give Up The Funk' performance, and I wrote that part about Kurt calling Blaine. Probably not what you meant, but where's the fun in writing something you have expected? :D**

**The 'Heathers' part was inspired by a review** elven trinity** made.**

**Someone asked me what does AU mean. **AU – Alternative Universe.** It's when the story takes place in a different world/setting than where it usually takes place.**

**REVIEWS = Love. And as Beatles sung - ''All you need is love''.**

**Last week, during one of my classes, I actually wrote a **oneshot**. It is M rated for a reason. (And now that I think about this, who writes smutty stories during their Physics class? That's just weird) It's called ' **No sleep for the restless, No rest for the weary**' You can find it on my profile.**


	9. Life Was Like a Box of Chocolates…

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 9**

''_Hello, Western Ohio! This seems to be another beautiful day, the kind of day you don't want to spend inside. So grab your girl or boy, cat or dog, grandma or annoying neighbor, and go spend a nice Saturday outside! It will be 85 degrees Fahrenheit all day long and chances of Blaine Anderson getting laid are pretty darn high! The wind might rise later on, so grab…''_

Okay, so maybe the radio guy didn't actually say that part about getting laid, but, if it was up to Blaine, he would have.

He switched his radio off. What's the point of listening to the weather report if you're already outside? Well, in his case, if you're in your car and heading to Lima. That's right – Blaine was going to see Kurt.

He was aware of how fashionable Kurt was, so he tried to pick something special from his wardrobe. Sadly, most of his clothes were not bought by him but by his mom, but he still managed to put together what he thought was an acceptable outfit. He was clean shaven, his hair was gelled, and a small bottle of lube was conveniently left in his car's glove box.

The week after their performance at the retirement house, Blaine spent a lot of time thinking about Kurt and he realized something. At first Blaine had thought that Kurt was like a mystical being that just could not be caught, like a unicorn or a pot of leprechaun gold at the end of a rainbow, but last week the light bulb finally switched on over his head. It's not that Kurt was untouchable; Blaine just hadn't tried hard enough. Usually, guys that he met were all over him in less than five minutes, but it wasn't because he was putting on his best moves. Blaine just usually found guys at clubs, where everyone was drunk, horny and trying to get some.

It's not like Kurt was more special than that; he was a teenage boy with raging hormones just like everyone else. It was just the situation they were in. Blaine was sure that, if not for that awkward meet-my-family-and-pretend-to-be-my-boyfriend thing, Kurt would be all over him. And he wanted Kurt all over him, or beneath him, or in spoon position next to him – he wasn't too picky. Any position that would not put him in the hospital would do.

The fact of the matter was that Kurt was hot and he had a personality. Kurt made Blaine's blood boil, and he was even kinda fun to hang around, especially when he wasn't insulting Blaine every two seconds.

Blaine just knew that if he didn't get Kurt there would be a day when he would regret at least not trying. And until he does, no one else will do.

The fact is Blaine has been spending his nights alone since his birthday. He has contemplated bringing out his little black book more than once, because his right hand might be in blisters soon, but he always stopped himself. Kurt had started this game so he will be the one to finish it.

After some serious internet stalking, Blaine had managed to find Kurt's address in some jock's old tweet, where he was talking about how he was going to egg the fairy's house and asking who else wanted in. Public school morons - Blaine once again felt thankful for his family's wealth. He didn't really have a plan other than showing up, but Blaine was confident that he really didn't need it anyways. He would just let his Anderson charm do its work and let the magic happen.

Of course it would work.

Blaine reached what he hoped was the right address. Kurt's house was no Anderson mansion, but it looked nice. It was a simple two story house, nearly identical to all the other houses on their street; mowed lawn, red rooftop, and white walls – very ordinary. Blaine noticed through the window that Kurt was standing in the kitchen. He wasn't facing the window, so Kurt didn't see Blaine.

Blaine rang the doorbell.

While he was standing there waiting for someone to come open the door, he finally realized that Kurt might not be the one to greet him. What if Burt opened the doors? Would he remember Blaine – the ticking car guy?

Luckily, Burt was not the one at the door; it was Kurt's really overgrown step-brother Finn, who was currently stuffing his face with a waffle.

''Hya! Ts dyo!'' Finn said; small waffle pieces were falling out of his mouth. One especially large piece almost landed in Blaine's eye. Blinded by a waffle – now that's a story to tell.

''Hi! Is Kurt home?'' Blaine asked politely.

Finn held up his hand, asking for a moment. He chewed the waffle quickly and swallowed before he even tried to talk again. Finn crossed his arms over his chest, flexing his muscles and all of a sudden he looked bigger and more intimidating. Blaine stored this move in his memory for future use, when he again felt small next to someone.

''Why are you asking?'' Finn questioned.

''Because I want to see him?'' Blaine replied. He was baffled by Finn's attitude – why didn't this guy like him? Everyone liked him, but Finn was just kind of weird.

''Well, Kurt might not be here,'' Finn said.

''I'm sure that he 'might' not be, because Kurt probably does go out of his house sometimes, but he is right now. I saw him through the window,'' Blaine told Finn, pointing at the kitchen's window.

There was a long pause. Finn swayed back and forth and just said, ''Oh.'' It didn't look like he was going to call for Kurt anytime soon, but Lady Luck was once again favoring Blaine, because at that moment Kurt appeared in the hallway behind Finn.

''Finn, go inside. I'll handle this,'' he told his step brother. Finn didn't move right away, not even after Kurt gently tried to push him back into house. Kurt basically had to step around him and shut the door in Finn's face. Right before the door closed, Blaine noticed Finn giving him the 'I'm watching you' sign. ''Clearly mental,'' Blaine decided.

Kurt was, as usual, dressed amazingly. Of course, he was completely covered from head to toe, dressed in tight pants and a long sweater, but Blaine knew by now that he was just being a tease. He just had to be; he was always wearing so many layers, but all of his clothes hugged his body perfectly and showed just a bit of tantalizing skin. Blaine liked Kurt's clothes. The only problem he could find with them at all was that it just could not be easy to get out of those pants quickly.

''Hi! I came here to-Owww!'' Blaine didn't get to finish, because Kurt slapped him. Actually slapped! Who even did that in this century? Blaine rubbed his cheek and said, ''That hurt. What the hell was that for?''

''That was for the kiss you stole. I would have slapped you right away, if you hadn't run away. And it was supposed to hurt – I had a week to imagine doing that and to work on my arm muscles,'' Kurt explained, obviously feeling proud about his amazing slapping abilities.

''If you wanted to play rough, you just had to tell me, babe. Count me in, as long as you don't bring out a cat o' nine tails or baseball bats,'' Blaine tried to joke, still rubbing his sore cheek.

''Okay, first of all – don't call me babe; it makes me think of that movie about the talking pig. And we both know that, if anyone's a pig, it's you. Secondly, you're really close to being slapped again. Thirdly, don't say things like that while standing on my doorstep,'' Kurt berated.

''Things like what?'' Blaine asked.

''You know what I'm talking about. You can't just talk about rough S.E.X. here. Finn's probably listening in on us right now,'' Kurt told him, actually spelling the word sex.

''And you honestly think that he has never heard the word sex before? He's not homeschooled, is he? I'm pretty sure that he should know the harsh truth about storks by now,'' Blaine said, speaking a bit louder than was necessary.

''Don't be an idiot. I'm more worried that he might get the wrong kind of idea about us,'' Kurt snapped.

''Oh, you mean like we're totally getting it on?'' Blaine said loudly. Annoying Kurt was just too much fun.

Kurt punched Blaine in the shoulder. ''Oww,'' Blaine yelped, rubbing his injured arm. ''The hell did I do this time?''

''That's what you get for being an asshole and a jerk. Or, you know, for being your usual self,'' Kurt said, fixing a lock of hair that had fallen out of its place and was falling in his eyes.

''You're a really violent person, has anyone ever told you that?''

''If that's all you came here for, I'll be going now,'' Kurt sighed, already reaching for the doorknob.

''Wait!'' Blaine called, not letting Kurt get away from him that easily. ''Can we go somewhere?''

That had stopped Kurt. He turned around; his eyes were wide in shock. ''Go somewhere? Like, the two of us? Together?''

''Yeah,'' Blaine confirmed.

''What are you up to?'' Kurt asked, suspicious of Blaine's intentions.

''Nothing! I swear. I just wanted to spend this wonderful day with a wonderful person. I thought we could go somewhere – there's this place where I regularly hang out-''

''Hell?'' Kurt interrupted him.

''-or maybe we could just go to my house and spend some time there,'' Blaine continued, ignoring Kurt's snide remark. His plan was to get Kurt to his house; Blaine had the house to himself that day so he and Kurt could spend some time alone. Blaine was sure that he needed no more than an hour in his house to at least get Kurt out of his amazing jeans.

''And I would do that, because…?'' Kurt asked, raising his right eyebrow.

''Because you want to,'' Blaine told him with a cocky smirk.

''Goodbye, Blaine,'' Kurt told him, he stepped inside his house and slammed front door in Blaine's face.

Blaine was genuinely confused about why Kurt wasn't sitting in his car already. Everyone always loved his cocky smirk – it was legendary. But he wasn't ready to give up that easily, so he loudly called after Kurt, ''Okay, that's fine too. If you want to act like that night in my car's back seat didn't happen, that's fine.''

No answer. Blaine tried again, speaking even louder, ''But just so you know, you rocked my world with that thing you do with your mouth.''

There was no way Kurt could not have heard that. Kurt's _neighbor, _who was now looking out through her window, had heard that, so he must have too. Blaine stepped right in front of Kurt's doors and practically yelled, ''I truly admire guys who are not afraid to get down and dirty, for the lack of better words! You're mouth is just-ughhh. No guy has ever been able to take both of my bal-''

The doors sprang open and Kurt covered Blaine's mouth with his hand. ''Will you SHUT UP!'' he hissed. Blaine licked Kurt's palm, and the other boy removed it, saying, ''Eww, gross. You're disgusting.''

''Does my offer to go somewhere sound better to you now?'' Blaine asked innocently.

Kurt glared at him for a moment, but in the end, he gave in. Kurt opened doors once more, grabbed a coat and called loudly, ''I'm going out.''

Kurt tried to put on his coat, but caught his arm in the sleeve. Blaine approached him and tried to help, but Kurt elbowed him in the stomach. ''I can do it myself,'' Kurt hissed and walked away to Blaine's car.

Blaine followed him, but for some reason he turned to look again at the house. It looked really homey; not at all like the Anderson manor that sometimes was so dark and empty. Blaine looked up at the second floor and that's when he noticed it. In one of the windows facing the front yard was a flower – a white orchid.

* * *

''You bought me to a coffee house? Seriously?'' Kurt asked monotonously. At least it wasn't the one where he, or to be more precise, Mercedes, worked at.

''What? I think coffee is kind of our thing by now,'' Blaine said.

Kurt drawled out, ''I wasn't aware that we had _our_ things.''

''Sure we do. We share some amazing memories-''

''Me pushing you into a pool.''

''-jokes-''

''Me insulting you every chance I have.''

''-and even pet names!'' Blaine finished, not paying any attention to Kurt's jabs.

''What pet names?'' Kurt asked.

''You don't remember! I'm talking about Blaire and Kunt. When we get married we totally have to put that on our wedding invitations,'' Blaine joked to get a raise out of Kurt.

Kurt glared daggers at Blaine before directing his attention to the menu. When it was their turn to order, Blaine gave the barista his money even before Kurt pulled out his wallet. ''To go, please,'' Blaine said.

When they got their coffees Blaine once more grabbed both of their cups and motioned with his head for Kurt to follow him. They got back in Blaine's car.

''Are you going to tell me where we're going?'' Kurt questioned.

''No,'' Blaine shot back. ''You didn't warn me about that retirement house, I'm not telling you about this either.''

''Have you received any fan mail from that place yet? I thought you would have received at least some granny-panties in your mail box by now, '' Kurt joked.

''No, no panties just yet. But I'm not too worried; I think we really had a connection,'' Blaine played along.

''After how much time will you start to worry that you're being stood up?''

''For true love – I'll wait forever,'' Blaine said in a serious, sullen voice.

Kurt laughed. ''Unfortunately, you don't have forever. And she has even less time than that.''

''It's always the same old tragic story about the boy and lady from a retirement house. It just never ends well,'' Blaine said in a sad voice before he too cracked up.

At that moment they drove off the main road and turned into a forest.

''Are you bringing me to a forest so no one can hear my screams when you kill me?'' Kurt asked.

''Please! Forests are so Twilight. I have something else in mind.''

And sure enough they drove through the forest, a bit more ahead, and then Blaine stopped his car on the side of a road. Kurt looked around. They were on the side of a field. There was nothing there; just a large field with crops, which Kurt didn't recognize, growing in it.

''A field,'' Kurt noted. He turned to Blaine and raised one eyebrow, showing how unimpressed he was.

''A field,'' Blaine confirmed, nodding his head and smiling.

''Is this some kind of special field?'' Kurt questioned.

Blaine motioned to the field with his arms extended. He said, ''Nope, just a regular field. Well, my family owns the land, but other than that I have nothing else to tell you about it.'' Blaine grabbed both of their by now not so hot coffees and got out of his car. ''Come on.''

Kurt reluctantly got out of the car. Blaine sat on the hood and motioned with his arm next to the spot right next to him. Kurt looked at the dusty hood with disdain but in the end sat down without complaining.

There they sat for almost a minute sipping their coffees, looking at nothing in particular, mainly because there was nothing to see.

''Well,'' Blaine was the first to break the silence, "this kind of sucks.''

And they just both started to laugh at the same time. This whole situation was just so ridiculous. ''Why did you even bring me here?'' Kurt asked, wiping his teary eyes with the back of his sleeve.

''I didn't have a plan. I was just kinda making it up as I drove. I thought that it might be deep and meaningful. You know – field that brings us our daily bread, crop swaying in the wind, humans are so small, and earth is so big. All that crap. But this is kinda…''

''Lame?'' Kurt offered.

''Yes!'' Blaine agreed and they started to laugh again.

They ended up sitting and just talking for a long time. They were done with their coffees, but they still kept on talking about random stuff like favorite musicals, weirdest things their teachers had ever done, and what kind of cleaning solution they both used for their contact lenses.

''Is this a date?'' Kurt's sudden question startled Blaine. A date. Blaine had never been on a _date_ date. He had never done the whole talk with parents, bring flowers, dinner and movie thing before. He had never wanted to do that either.

Did Kurt want a date? Blaine almost started to panic until he looked at Kurt to see him laughing. He was just teasing Blaine.

''Depends. Do we get to do date-y things like kiss?'' _For starters, _Blaine asked.

Kurt blushed to a dark pink color almost instantly. He coughed quietly and turned away from Blaine as if Kurt had seen something suddenly on the field. ''Not a date it is then,'' he said.

Both boys didn't even notice how the clouds over their heads got darker and darker until suddenly it was raining. They jumped back in the car to avoid getting wet; they could hear thunder. Radio weatherman was an idiot.

''It's getting late. I should probably get back home soon,'' Kurt told Blaine, clearly telling him that their 'not date' was coming to an end.

This was it – Blaine knew that he had to make his move now, or they would part for who knows how long. And Blaine really can't spend another week without a little bit of action from someone; his right arm is starting to cramp up from frequent use. Up until now it had been so easy; their conversation flowed freely and for once they joked with and not about each other. They could continue in the same easy manner just with fewer clothes on. Blaine leaned in closer to Kurt, slowly this time. He put his arm on Kurt's cheek, ran his thumb over Kurt's lower lip – one of his best moves that almost never failed.

Blaine was just two inches away from Kurt's lips, when Kurt whispered, ''What are you doing?''

Blaine stopped for a moment to answer, ''Kissing you.''

Kurt suddenly leaned back and pressed himself against the doors. ''You can't just go around kissing people without asking,'' he said, scolding Blaine.

Blaine was confused by this turn of events – it was just a kiss; no big deal. It's not like he was attacking him. Still, Blaine didn't give up completely and he asked, ''Kurt, can I kiss you?''

There was a moment of silence that was broken by Kurt's softly whispered answer, ''Yes.''

To Blaine it seemed that Kurt's agreement had surprised Kurt himself, but Blaine didn't dwell on it for too long. He leaned in again, this time not wasting any time. Kurt was pressed against the doors so Blaine was practically on top of him; a fact that he was not complaining about. Blaine pressed their lips together. It took a few seconds before Kurt kissed back tenderly. Blaine's left hand found Kurt's right one and he entwined their fingers. Somewhere, in the back of his head, he noted that Kurt's arms were shaking a bit.

Blaine parted his lips a bit, trying to deepen the kiss. He slipped out his slick tongue and ran it over Kurt's soft lips, but Kurt didn't respond right away. It was a strange kiss – Blain was trying to go further, but Kurt was acting like he was just okay with pressing their lips together. Blaine was confused by that; they were already this far so why was Kurt still teasing him?

Blaine untangled their joined fingers; he needed his hand to touch other parts of Kurt. He slowly ran his hand over Kurt's chest rubbing circles over his flat stomach and then moving lower, trailing his fingers over Kurt's waist. His actions earned him a gasp from Kurt and he finally had the access he wanted to the other boy's mouth. Blaine softly massaged his tongue against Kurt's. Once again Kurt was sort of passive at first but soon he was responding with passion.

''Finally,'' Blaine thought. At last, he had Kurt just where he wanted him. (He would have preferred a bed, but car will do just fine too.) And this was really happening; it was not one of his very vivid dreams that had been plaguing him for some time now and always left Blaine in need for a cold shower.

Blaine was the first one to break the kiss, but just because there was something else to do he had dreamed about for a long time now. Blaine pressed his lips against Kurt's long neck just bellow his ear. He started to kiss down the smooth column, occasionally biting or sucking. From the sounds Kurt was making – small gasps and moans that almost sounded like cat's purr - he was enjoying this too.

Blaine's hand trailed down to the hem of Kurt's long sweater and he tried to push it up, but since Kurt was sitting on the material, he only managed to push it to his stomach. For Blaine that was enough.

Blaine let his hands release the hem of Kurt's sweater, opting to play with the button of Kurt's incredibly tight jeans. A small hitch of breath was the only response he got from Kurt, so Blaine assumed it was perfectly fine for him to unbutton the jeans. He had already released the button when Kurt's voice stopped him; ''Stop.''

Blaine looked up only to discover that Kurt was no longer responding; he actually seemed almost frozen. Blaine asked him, ''Is something wrong?'' Why the sudden change? Things had been going so good.

''I said stop,'' Kurt repeated in a serious voice. Blaine quickly moved back and sat down in driver's seat. He didn't know why Kurt asked him that, but Blaine would never force anyone. Kurt hastily buttoned his pants and fixed his sweater.

Blaine had to ask, ''Why did we stop?''

Kurt took a deep breath and faced Blaine, looking him straight in the eyes. ''We were moving just a bit too fast, is all.''

''Kurt, we were kissing. We didn't even do anything yet,'' Blaine stated.

Kurt ran his hand over his hair. ''We did enough.''

''I thought you were okay with this. I asked you and you said yes.''

''I said that you could kiss me,'' Kurt agreed. ''But that was going further than that.''

Blaine sat there confused. What was Kurt getting at? ''So…'' he began, stretching out the word. ''Do I need to ask you about every single thing? Like, ''can I blow you?'', or something?''

''No!'' Kurt said. ''There will be no blowing or anything. I just kissed you for the first time. Why the hell would we go further than that?''

''I thought you wanted it,'' Blaine said. He was feeling frustrated – he just had no idea what was going on in Kurt's head. Blaine took Kurt's slim hand in his own and looked in other boy's glasz eyes. ''Kurt. I'll be honest with you – I'm crazy about you.''

Kurt's eyes turned a lot softer after those words so Blaine continued, ''You've become, like, the male lead in all of my sexual fantasies.''

And those were not the right words.

Kurt pulled his arm away from Blaine's and looked like he was ready to slap him again.

''You have to be kidding me,'' Kurt hissed.

''What?''

''Pour bleach in your ears or go to church and ask a priest to release you from those impure thoughts – I don't care! Just get me out of your sex dreams!'' Kurt almost yelled. ''What do you think we were about to do – have sex in the back of your car? Why would you think that? Why would I do that?''

''But…I thought…''

''I just kissed you. Why would I have sex with you in the car, especially, if I... I…''Kurt stammered, but then took a deep breath and finished his sentence, ''if I have never had sex before.''

And that sentence pretty much broke Blaine's brain. What?

''What?'' he asked, because he must have heard wrong.

''What what?''

''What! I mean, what!'' Blaine had to stop to collect his thoughts, because he clearly was no making much sense. ''But…that day at my party you just seemed so confident when you tricked me out of my pants.''

''I was confident because I knew that I wouldn't actually do anything. As you said it – I tricked you. It's not like I was actually planning to give you a blowjob,'' Kurt admitted.

''But…why…how?''

''It's not like there's a lot of gay guys in Lima. You're the first openly gay teenager I've met. And I'm...well, I'm me. So I've never even had opportunities to do something like that. And I don't know what you mean with ''how?''.''

Blaine was not sure what exactly Kurt meant with ''I'm me'' either, but at first he explained it to Kurt.

''How? I mean, how can you not have done it by now?'' Blaine asked. A hot seventeen year old teenager living a sexless life was not something Blaine understood.

''Oh my God! It's not like you can die from not having sex as soon as you hit puberty.''

_''You can't?''_ Blaine genuinely wanted to ask. Instead he kept his mouth shut for once.

They didn't speak for a long moment after that. Rain was falling on Blaine's car, filling the uncomfortable silence.

''Oh,'' Blaine uttered, mainly just to say something at all.

''Oh,'' Kurt repeated.

It was so strange. Blaine had just sort of assumed that Kurt was like him. All this time he had imagined how he just had to seduce Kurt and then they would automatically have hot sex in every position known to mankind (and even invent a few of their own) until this stupid obsession of his was gone. But Kurt was a virgin!

While dream Kurt was teasing him with sexual images almost every night, real life Kurt was not and would not do such things. Real life Kurt was not teasing; real life Kurt had no idea what he was doing to Blaine.

Blaine suddenly had a shocking idea – was this Kurt's first make out?

And even worse – was that stolen peck in the car Kurt's first kiss! Because that would make Blaine feel like even more of a jerk than he already thought he was.

''So…can you take me home now?'' Kurt asked.

* * *

******Me English be not good, yes? :D (Kinda) This is edited by MonkeyMojo.**

**Guess, who's done with exams? Guess! I'll give you a hint; their username starts with ''Liv'' and ends with something that rhymes with … EatPie? (And that's why I couldn't be a poet)**

**Anyways - IT'S ME! Woo-Hoo! **

**I wrote this on my way home from university. It's 5AM and I haven't slept for close to fifty hours. If you're reading this than I actually didn't pass out before I uploaded this chapter. Go me!**

**If you're still reading this then thank you for staying with me for so long. I promise that I will try to update faster now. I'm also working on my other stories, I have at least 10 000 words for that No Sleep For The Restless… thing that grew from oneshot into a multichapter story. **

**July 3****rd**** is my birthday! Lame party hats for everyone!**

**You know that story about folding thousand paper cranes, to make one wish?  
**

**REVIEWS work the same way, so help me make a wish. **


	10. I was just totally clueless

**Yes, I do realize how parallels can be drawn between this chapter and 100 other stories, written after ''The First Time'', what with the car and Blaine trying to pursue Kurt. Oh, well.**

* * *

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 10**

To say that this day did not go the way Blaine planned would be an understatement. For starters, his lube bottle was still unopened in his car. Kurt was a virgin, and Blaine had no idea how he even managed to stay that way for so long. Isn't sex one of the most primitive instincts just like eating, sleeping and breathing? Raging teenage hormones were, after all, the Nature's way of telling people to stop mucking around and to finally get some.

It's not like Kurt was undesirable, in fact he was the opposite of that. He was nice (at least to people who weren't Blaine) and he was smart. Kurt had an interesting sense of humor that always made Blaine laugh, even when his sarcastic comments were about Blaine himself.

''_And hot! Most importantly, he's hot,'' _Blaine thought to himself. There was nothing wrong with Kurt other than his status of paragon of virtue.

Blaine dropped Kurt off at his house and after a really awkward goodbye, he went back to his empty home. On their way to Kurt's house they both didn't speak. Blaine had his eyes trained on the road and Kurt had turned his head so far away from him that Blaine was sure that his neck will hurt tomorrow. Blaine turned the radio on a bit louder than usual to stop the silence that still somehow felt louder than music. After five minutes Blaine came to conclusion that higher powers were mocking them. Madonna's ''Like a Virgin'' had come on. The irony of that wasn't lost on him. Blaine wanted to change the stations but he couldn't do that out of fear of drawing even more attention to their uncomfortable situation, so they both suffered through three and a half minutes of Madge's singing about how_ ''good it feels inside''_.

''_If only,''_ Blaine wished.

At home he found some leftover cake in the refrigerator and ate it. Then he ate 2/3 of the box of chocolate cookies they had in one of the cupboards. And after almost all the cookies were gone he found his mom's chocolate bar and started to snack on that.

Blaine finally realized why in movies girls always ate chocolate and ice-cream after they were dumped by their asshole boyfriends. Strangely enough chocolate made him forget about how he was always taking one step forward and two steps back with Kurt.

It probably had something to do with the fact that chocolate can be an alternative for sex, Blaine decided. That certainly explained why he craved it so much and couldn't stop after few pieces.

''Mind sharing?'' a voice asked from behind Blaine. He sharply turned around almost falling off his chair. Blaine grandfather, grandpa Blaine Sr. was standing right behind him.

''Jesus! What is it with people scaring me? Heart attacks are not funny.''

''You're preaching to the choir, junior. I'm ninety-one. Last time I complained to a doctor about some chest pains, he told me to go home and find my passport so that I could see how old I am. No one takes your pains seriously when you're already past the age of life expectancy,'' Blaine Sr. complained, sitting down on the chair next to Blaine and taking a piece of chocolate. ''So, what's up with you?''

''What do you mean,'' Blaine asked, his mouth full of chocolate.

''The house is empty, the lights are off and you're sitting in the kitchen stuffing your face full of chocolate. It's very dramatic,'' grandpa noted. ''Even for _you_, that is.''

''Dating problems,'' Blaine answered. It was the truth. Kinda.

''Aaa, I do remember those. My sympathies.''

''Yeah,'' Blaine sighed. Blaine didn't offer more information and grandpa didn't ask. They sat in the silence for at least a minute before Blaine finally snapped and started to pour his heart out. ''It's Kurt. I went to his house today to apologize. We talked and I asked him out. After that we went got coffees and just hanged out. Then the storm happened, and we were in my car and we…uhmm…we…''

''Spit it out already.''

''It was nothing. No, wait. It wasn't 'nothing', but it was nothing serious. We kissed and…Kurt's not like me,'' Blaine tried to explain without really telling his grandfather that he has been sleeping around with guys for years now.

''Kurt's not gay? Seriously? Well, who would have thought?'' His grandpa misunderstood.

''No, Kurt is gay. Very gay. He's just not…we don't have the same experiences…sexually,'' Blaine finally muttered. In retrospect, starting this conversation with his grandfather wasn't such a good idea no matter how cool his grandpa was. After all, everyone knows that there is an unwritten rule to never use word 'sex' in a conversation with any of your grandparents.

Blaine Sr. looked at his grandson very seriously. He turned in his chair to face Blaine so he could see the boy's eyes. ''Now listen closely, junior,'' The older man began in a serious tone. ''If this Kurt kid is pushing you into anything you don't want to do, you really should not try to get back with him. He's not worth it.''

''Kurt is not pushing me into anything,'' Blaine tried to explain.

''Are you sure? Because, if he is, you tell me and I'll personally go to his house and beat some sense in him. My bones may be brittle, but I have a cane and I know how to use it. Plus, only five of my teeth are my own so I have nothing to lose,'' Blaine Sr. promised.

Frankly, Blaine found it hilarious that someone might have thought that _Kurt _was pushing _him_ to have sex. That only happened in his dreams. ''You won't have to do that. Kurt isn't like that.''

''He better not be. You are still so young, Blaine. You're just a kid. Trust me when I tell you that right now your life is as good as it gets. Someone cooks for you, does your laundry and helps you with everything you can't do on your own. That only happens when you're a kid or when you're old. Between those two stages of life there's years filled with responsibilities, taxes and worsening health,'' Grandpa told him. ''Right now you should just enjoy being a teenager. Join school clubs, go out and play baseball with your friends.''

''My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose,'' Blaine joked.

''What?'' Blaine Sr. asked confused at the sentence that his grandson had just blurted out from nowhere.

''You know, ''Clueless''? It's a movie from 90s. Okay, forget about it,'' Blaine gave up once he realized that it wasn't likely that his grandfather had seen it. ''And thank you for your advice, but it's _really_ not like that. Kurt is not pressuring me into anything. He's actually still…uhm…waiting or something, I guess.''

''Oh, well that's good to hear,'' His grandfather said, somewhat relieved. ''Than what was that about you two not having the same experience in that matter? …Wait…''

Blaine flinched when he realized that his grandfather now knew more about his sex life than any grandparent should have a right to know.

''Blaine Junior! What did I just tell you?''

''Well, telling me _now_ was kinda useless, wasn't it? Where were you a couple years ago?'' Blaine said before he thought about it.

_''A __couple years ago_?'' Blaine Sr. asked shocked.

''It's no big deal,'' Blaine tried to backtrack. ''You were a teenager once, you know how it is. Hormones, stupidity…energy drinks that make us act crazy.''

''Back in my days people didn't have sex!''

''Right, because the stork brought you your kids? You got married for the first time when you were nineteen, not much older than I am now,'' Blaine said making excuses.

''Yes, I got married. _Married_ is the key word,'' Blaine Sr. calmly responded.

''Really? Is that why you've been married so many times? Because marriage is so sacred?'' Blaine asked, not really thinking about his words.

''Watch your mouth, junior! Yes, maybe my marriages haven't been long, but every time I got married I did it for love. I may not always show it but even now when they cheat at bingo and put their knitting needles in my chair so I'll sit on them, I still care for all of them. ''

''What's the point, to get your heart broken? You date, you fall in love, you get married and then you divorce. Great! Do you honestly want to tell me that all _six_ of your wives were the _'love of your life'_?'' Blaine sneered, every word dripping in sarcasm.

''No. No, I'm not saying that,'' Blaine Sr. said with a sigh. ''Maybe none of my romances lasted as long as I would have wanted them to. Life happens and people drift apart. Not every love story has a happily ever after ending. You want to know the point of it all? The point is taking a leap of faith.''

''A leap of faith?'' Blaine asked, not understanding what his grandfather meant by that.

''When you date someone, you don't know whether or not you'll end up staying together for the rest of your lives. No one can tell you that, but you can't run away from romance just because it might end up badly. You can't give up the hope that sooner or later you'll end up finding someone really special,'' Blaine Sr. explained to him. ''I mean, look at me. I'm ninety-one, but I still could end up finding some eighty year old foxy lady at the senior citizens ball.''

''Yeah,'' Blaine sighed. ''But…a relationship? Is it really worth it?''

''Well, you won't know for sure if you don't at least try,'' Grandpa said. ''I may not have showed it when you brought Kurt here for your birthday, but I was really happy for you. I thought that you two were serious about each other, but I guess not if you still don't get what being with someone is all about. Also, you should know better than to try to move faster in your relationship than the other person was comfortable with. Shame on you, Junior!''

As they sat in the silence, Blaine contemplated their conversation. After less than thirty seconds he suddenly stood up, his chair making a horrible screeching sound as it was pushed back. He quickly started to walk away.

''Hey, where are you…?'' Blaine Sr. called.

''I'm trying out that leaping thing,'' Blaine called back, not even letting his grandfather to finish his question. ''Don't wait for me.''

Blaine Sr. watched as his grandson ran towards front doors, stopping only to get his car keys and a warm jacket. ''Hey, who's going to clean up all this mess?'' he shouted after him, gesturing at the kitchen counter, that was covered in dirty plates, cookie crumbs and wrappers, but Blaine was already outside.

''Young love. So stupid,'' Blaine Sr. said to himself, picked up a piece of chocolate and ate it.

* * *

''Kurt! Kurt!'' Blaine quietly called, throwing small rocks at what he hoped was Kurt's window. He could only hope that Kurt had put the white orchid Blaine gave him in his room instead of giving it to his stepmother. He had his sneakers on so he was prepared to run if Mr. Hummel came after him with a machete.

A sudden movement caught his attention. Blaine jumped slightly and turned to face the shadow, but fortunately it was just someone's cat and not Kurt's intimidating father. Blaine followed the cat with his eyes as it approached another cat. The way both cats were purring and circling around each other made itlook like at least someone was going to get some tonight. _''No worries. My time will probably eventually come too,''_ Blaine thought to himself. He pulled back his arm and threw another rock in the direction of Kurt's window without even looking at it first.

''OW! Ow, oh God. Fuck!'' Blaine heard a voice, which was unmistakably Kurt's swearing. He had been so preoccupied with those damn horny cats that he hadn't even noticed Kurt opening his window. Blaine could only see Kurt's silhouette. The other boy was holding a hand against his left eye and cheek and moving around in pain.

''Oh shit! Kurt, are you ok? I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to hit you. I'm sorry. Please tell me I didn't hit you in the eye! I'm sorry,'' Blaine kept apologizing, over and over again.

Suddenly a heavy black studded boot was thrown at Blaine's head. He stepped away just in time and picked it up from the ground. ''Where did you get this? I've been looking for boots to upgrade my wardrobe with for some time now.'' Blaine exclaimed, once again proving how short his attention span really was.

''You asshole, you almost put my eye out! An inch higher and I would be disabled for the rest of my life! Do me a favor and hit yourself over the head with my boot and then put it down by the front doors.''

Blaine tapped the boot against his head to humor Kurt. Judging by Kurt's scowl he wasn't amused, so Blaine sighed and hit himself a little bit harder. He put the boot down below Kurt's window.

''What are you doing here, Blaine. It's the middle of the night,'' Kurt asked.

''Oh, oh right,'' Blaine suddenly remembered why he came here in the first place and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his jean pocket. He had been quiet in the hurry when he was leaving his house, so he had written down this part from memory. ''What light through your window breaks? It is the East, and Kurt is the sun! Get up, sun, and kill that moon that is ugly and doesn't like you.''

Blaine had kind of hoped that Kurt would be enthralled by his words, but instead the pale boy just stared at him, still pressing a hand against his eye. After a moment Kurt asked, ''What the hell was that?''

''It's Shakespeare, it's supposed to be romantic and shit,'' Blaine defended his actions.

''That was not Shakespeare. You would think that you would know better with how much money your parents spend for your education.''

''I spend a lot of time in Dalton jumping up and down so when I get home I am not that hyperactive. That alone makes my parents feel like they're getting their money's worth.'' Blaine explained.

''Good for you! Or your parents, I guess. If you're done badly interpreting Shakespeare now, I'll go find an ice pack for my eye and then go back to bed. Goodnight Blaine,'' Kurt said already reaching up to close his window.

''Wait! Just give me a chance.'' Blaine shouted desperately. ''I'm leaping here!''

''Are you on drugs?''

''Just vitamins. My doctor says that I need more iron. Please note that I am comfortable with telling you this because people who date should know about each other's health issues.''

''I am so confused right now.''

''I want today to count as a date!'' Blaine finally blurted out. At least it made Kurt to pause.

''You…want us… to date?'' Kurt asked drawing out words like they were so unbelievable.

''Yeah,'' Blaine confirmed.

''Why?'' Kurt asked, surprised by Blaine's sudden change of attitude.

''It might come as a surprise to you, but I have never dated anyone,'' here Blaine was interrupted by Kurt's loud snort, ''and I think that I should try that whole relationship thing.''

''Oh, Blaine. And I'm the lucky one that you want to test it out on!'' Kurt exclaimed sarcastically.

''No! And it's not like I can't find someone else if it's just an experiment.''

Kurt didn't like this answer. ''Isn't it hard to breath sometimes with your head so far up your own ass?''

''Hey! I'm trying to tell you something here.''

''My deepest apologies. Please, do go ahead.'' Kurt said in a mocking tone.

Blaine took a deep breath to compose his thoughts. ''I could find someone else, that's the truth, _but I don't want to_. Everyone else just seems so uninteresting compared to you. You're kind of amazing, Kurt.''

Kurt finally pulled his hand down from his eye. Blaine could see in his face that, for once in his life, he had finally managed to say something right.

Blaine continued, ''I like spending time with you even when you're being a bitch to me. I like you when you're mean and I like you when you're sweet. I always love to see you dressed in your strange outfits, and that's not just because your ass looks amazing in those tight pants. Well, okay, that too. But mostly I love them because they're so unique. You're unique, Kurt. It's like in that movie _''Pleasantville''_ – everyone else is in black and white but you're in so many colors.''

After a bit of a moment Kurt said, ''That was actually surprisingly nice of you.''

''It's a long drive from my house to yours. I think part of that I heard in a movie or something, I don't really remember. I practiced in my car and almost run over a fox on my way here,'' Blaine offered an explanation.

That got a laugh from Kurt. ''Oh, Blaine,'' he said. ''You just can't help it, can you?''

''Don't worry. The fox was fine, I saw its furry ass running away,'' Blaine told him, thinking that Kurt was worried about his driving.

''You're an idiot, you know that?'' Kurt asked.

''People have told me that before. I like to tell them that I'm like a piece of artwork. You need to stare at me for a long time and from different directions to realize that I'm actually brilliant.''

Kurt's laugh was infectious and made Blaine laugh with him. ''I made you laugh, so I'm taking it as a good sign.''

''Go home, Anderson. We'll talk about it,'' Kurt told him, still smiling.

''Can I call you tomorrow?'' Blaine asked.

''No,'' Kurt answered, still a bit mad at Blaine.

''Well that's ok, I prefer texting anyways. Goodnight then,'' Blaine replied. He blew a kiss at Kurt and started to sprint down the street towards his car. For some reason he just felt like he could run a marathon right now. His heart was beating incredibly fast and he had this dopey smile on his face that just wouldn't go away.

Texting was better anyways. Especially because you can't scream at someone via texts, and that's something Kurt would undoubtedly do once he saw his black eye.

* * *

**Not my longest chapter but, hey, it's **_**a chapter**_**! **

******Beted by ****tillthetearsstopfalling**  


**Guess who's not dead. I'll give you a hint…It's ME. But my laptop did die (R.I.P. My Sweet **_**Toshiba**_**) and it took all my notes, plot lines, half finished chapters and PWPs with it. It's probably laughing at me in laptop heaven right now, twirling its cable mustache. I had to reread my own story to remember what I was writing about. (Also, just noticed that in one chapter Blaine is turning 17, in other he's turning 18. My excuse – I'm taking lessons in continuity from Glee writers.) There were moments where I was like, ''I wrote that? I must have been drunk.'' I probably was.**

**Once again thank you guys, for being so awesome and supportive. I have more than 70,000 hits for this silly thing. It's like everyone in my home town have read it 15 times! (But I sincerely hope that that's not the case, other ways I would be too embarrassed to leave my house ever again.) **

**For the first story ever, that's pretty amazing, if I say so myself.**

**Also thank you for more than 100 reviews I received after last chapter. Again, I don't remember to which ones I replied to, so my reply to all of them is ''You're awesome. :D '' And thank you for Happy Birthday wishes. **

**Don't hit and run – ask question, give advices, offer ideas. Volunteer to take people to a hospital**

… **Also review**


	11. That was falling with style

**Happy Glee day!**

**Who is Nate? Chapter 6. Makes no sense? I rarely do, but just keep reading.**

**WARNING! I'll sleep first - beta tomorrow. It's middle of the night already for me.**

**If you need proper grammar, come back tomorrow.**

* * *

**Perfectly Wrong**

**by LivAndLetDie**

**Chapter 11**

Sending a text message to Kurt was the first thing Blaine wanted to do when he woke up in the morning. Well, the first thing Blaine did right after his morning Blaine-time.

Maybe it would be better said that the first person Blaine thought about in the morning was Kurt. That would be completely 100% true. After Blaine's birthday, Kurt had at first been a frequent guest in Blainer-time activities, but for some time now he had become the only one. There haven't even been hot threesome fantasies.

The good thing about that was, Blaine decided, the fact that Kurt could be easily placed in all kinds of outfits, places and scenarios. Kurt already dressed in daring cloths regularly, so it wasn't too hard to imagine that he could wear a sexy doctor or animal themed outfits. Much like the real-Kurt, it was never boring with Blaine's mind-Kurt, just in a different way. And it was a good thing, because now that Blaine knew real-Kurt a bit better, he also knew that it might be just him, mind-Kurt and his hand for a long, long time (Not that Blaine will stop trying).

This morning, probably inspired by those horny cats Blaine heard last night, it was the cat outfit wearing Kurt – very Michelle Pfeiffer a la ''Batman Returns'' just without metal claws, because who would want something like that anywhere in close vicinity of their manhood? The whip could stay. And, if at some point Blaine was Batman himself in this fantasy, it was just because he had a bad case of teenage-boy-mind. Kurt could lie on Blaine's bed all cat-like and sexy while Blaine would run around the room, flapping his wings/cape in equally sexy manner, seducing Kurt with his superhero's might.

Hottest fantasy ever.

After Blaine had cleaned up himself, he was just about ready to write a text to Kurt, asking him, if his boyfriend had any plans for today, but even before he reached his phone it rang loudly signaling him that he had received a text message.

Words _''1 New Message. From: Kunt''_ flashed on his phone's screen.

_''You're such an asshole!''_

Short, straight to the point and yet very confusing for Blaine – a very Kurt-like message.

Kurt had called him asshole (among other things) many times before so was this Kurt telling Blaine a) You have done something wrong or b) Good morning, honey?

Blaine decided that sweet talking worked in both cases so he came up with a hopefully nice message.

_''I was just thinking about you.''_

''And indeed I was,'' Blaine thought to himself, but Kurt probably didn't want to hear about that. Telling your boyfriend that you masturbated while thinking about him in a sexy cat costume was most likely something one should save for their three week anniversary.

_''There's a huge bruise around my left eye and even on my cheek. ''_

Oh, so Kurt had finally seen himself in a mirror.

_''So is this a bad time to ask you what your plans are for today?''_

He received his answer less than 10 seconds later.

_''I will maim you. Slowly.''_

So that probably meant no, right?

* * *

Blaine's knowledge about dating was close to nothing. His sources of information were mainly his friends, brothers and crappy romance movies. Somebody had to write a book ''Dating for the first time, when you're both gay teenage boys and have problems with either emotional or physical side of romance. For dummies!'' Blaine would buy it and write a positive review. Heck, he would even make a book report about it.

All of his friends were pretty much idiots like him when it came to this dating thing and asking either one of his brother's for a dating advice was the absolutely the last resort. He would most likely pick up a phone book to randomly call strangers for advice, before asking them. Clearly sappy movies were the only sensible choice.

Heath Ledger in ''10 Things I Hate About You'' certainly made Blaine's heart speed up, so he was a good role model for his relationship with Kurt. Blaine even took notes – that's how serious he was about it. The first thing he wrote down, was ''consider growing out your hair'', followed by ''find out, if McKinley has an orchestra'', followed by ''ask Kurt, if he plays any instruments – this information probably will be useful in less than a month''.

They were all very good ideas, except maybe the one about growing out his hair, because, if Blaine's hair grew longer than it was right now, it would look like an afro. As much as he liked music Blaine was just not ready to have a hairdo that made his head look like a microphone.

Blaine had to be serious about this. He was really trying out that leaping in love-pool thing and he never did things half-assed. You can count on the fact that he will be one half of winning duo of the ''The Cutest Couple Ever'' competition. If Blaine was ready to give a chance to this dating business with someone, than he will do it by cutting their couple's name in an old tree, having a picnic on a moonlit beach and ridding away in the sunset on a lawnmower.

He was so serious about Kurt, that he even buried his little black book in the backyard.

Yes, indeed he did.

Granted, at first he had to actually get a little black book because who really had those anymore when you could just save names and numbers in a telephone? He went to a mall to buy one, but the closest thing they had was a black notebook with pink duck and hearts on it. He had a choice between that one and another one with two fluffy bunnies cuddling and one of them was licking the other one's floppy ear. That's how Blaine ended up with a little black book with pink duck on it (he also bought the one with bunnies for next semester's math class. They were adorable! He will name his notebook bunnies Kurt and Blaine, and Kurt-bunny will be the one licking Blaine-bunny, because…well, a guy was allowed to fantasize about his bunny-boyfriend doing that to him, right?)

When he got home he got, he sat down by his desk and started to copy names and numbers from his phone in his ''little pink ducky black book'', and, man, were there a lot to copy! He could actually feel how he was slowly developing a carpal tunnel syndrome in his right wrist. Most of the names he wrote down he honestly could not even place with a face. All the numbers were deleted from his phone after they were written down – in some ways it felt like a catharsis.

He found an empty butter cookie box in the kitchen (okay, it was half full before he found it, but Blaine ate all of the cookies. Sacrifices had to be made for greater good, and, if Blaine had to eat cookies in order to start a new life, than he was willing to bear this cross.) The box was buried in his back yard under a bush their gardener had trimmed in a shape of a dolphin following his mother's orders.

It was quiet poetic. Blaine was not just turning a new leaf – ha was starting a new book. It was out with the old ''little black with pink ducky and hearts book'' and in with the new ''cute bunnies cuddling book''.

He felt accomplished.

Also, he made a note to ask his mom to stop making weirdly trimmer bushes. They were slightly creepy and this was bound to get out of control, if his mom's imagination was not stopped.

* * *

It must have been the Universe sending Blaine a sign, when four hours later his educational TV watching time was interrupted by a phone call.

_''Incoming call. From: Unknown''_ were the words that flashed on his phone's screen.

''Hello?'' he asked.

_''Hello to you too Blaine,'' _a male voice almost purred.

''Yeah. Who is this?'' Blaine asked, still not really recognizing the voice.

_''You're funny,'' _the voice laughed.

''I am? I mean, yeah I am,'' Blaine said, still confused.

_''What are you doing tonight?''_

''Umm, homework. Mom asked me to do my laundry and then sleep, probably. Why?'' Blaine

_''Want some company?'' _the unknown voice purred.

Blaine felt really perplexed. ''You want to help me with my laundry?''

_''No,''_ the voice snapped, not as silky as it was moments ago._ ''I meant, do you want some company with the sleeping part?''_

Now Blaine realized where this was going. ''Umm, I'm sorry but, really, who is this?''

_''It's Nate,''_ he snarled.

''Of course,'' Blaine tried to sound as if he had known it all along.

_''Right. You ended my call rather abruptly the other day, but you're lucky that you're so cute and good in bed, because I've decided to forgive you for that. So, I'm not doing anything and, from what you told me, you're not doing anything either. Maybe, you could be doing me,'' _Nate said.

Well this was kinda awkward.

''Listen, Nate,'' Blaine began. ''Have you ever felt something special for someone? Like you like them and not just because you're physically attracted to them? Like you like just spending time with them and you don't even have to have sex for it to be a good time?''

There was a slight pause before Nate answered, no longer sounding like someone who gets paid for phone sex. _''Why are you asking?''_

''Because I've been feeling like that lately. For the first time in my life.''

_''Oh, Blaine,'' _Nate gushed.

''Yes, I know – who would have thought? Me? I'm in…like, I guess. But it's true,'' Blaine told him.

_''I 'm surprised too! It's so sudden.''_

''I know, I know,'' Blaine said, bashfully. He suddenly had an idea. Blaine didn't know much about romance, but maybe he would not be forced to call random numbers asking for help after all. It was sort of awkward but it had to be done in the name of teenage dating and for Kurt. ''Umm, this is really embarrassing, but can I ask you something?''

_''Yes!''_ Nate exclaimed, but then Blaine could hear him taking a deep breath and calming down. Blaine thought that it was really swell how accepting and excited for Blaine's relationship with Kurt Nate was. _''Go ahead, what do you want to ask me?''_ Nate said in a much calmer voice, purring again.

''This is really awkward and I've never done it before,'' Blaine admitted, feeling how his cheeks were heating up. He could almost feel how his Most Amazing Lover and Sex Beast reputation was slowly dying with each word he said. ''Like, theoretically, if this guy, whose a friend of mine…let's call him Brain Sexyson.''

_''Ok,''_ Nate giggled. _''Theoretically.''_

''Right. Well, if Brain wanted to take this guy he really likes out for an amazing sort of a first date but not really a first date, because they have done, like, date-y kind of things before, where do you think they could go?''

_''Date-y kind of things? Is that what people in your town call it?''_ Nate teased.

Blaine thought back to seeing Kurt at Sunny's Café, at Hummel's Tires& Lube garage, retirement house and taking him out for a coffee and make-out session in the back of a car in the middle of a nowhere. ''I guess I have to use that term kind of loosely in this situation.''

Nate laughed again. Blaine realized that he was an easily amused guy and laughed along with him just so that he wouldn't have an awkward silence moment.

_''Well, I'm not an expert either, when it comes to dating, but I think that the first date has to be grand. Your guy definitely loves grand gestures, gifts. Do something amazing, something over the top. You have money, is there a better way to spend it?''_ Nate told him, confidently.

''You think so?'' Blaine asked, not feeling too sure about this idea.

_''I know so,''_ Nate told him and he sounded 100% certain.

''Ok, maybe you're right,'' Blaine agreed. In his situation any advice was a good advice.

Nate laughed again out loud. Man, he was a really fun guy. _''How could I not be right about this.''_

''Thank you so much, Nate,'' Blaine said, feeling relieved now that he at least had an idea what to do with Kurt. A grand, romantic date – Blaine could definitely do that. ''Inception'' has taught him that the most resilient parasite is an idea while Justin Bieber has taught him to never say never – an idea an determination was all he really needed.

Kurt Hummel better hold on tight, because Blaine was ready to rock this world. To blow his mind. Or just to blow him. He was ready!

Almost.

_''You welcome, Brian Sexyson,''_ Nate purred again.

''How did he kno-…ohhh, right,'' Blaine thought. Guess he'd been found out. He laughed along with Nate.

''Listen, I have to go, but it was really nice talking to you. I now have an idea where to take Kurt on our date. You have helped me soooo much, you don't even know!''

_''Kurt?''_ Nate asked.

''Yeah,'' Blaine sighed. ''Anyways, we should do it again sometimes. Maybe we could meet sometimes, if you're okay with that. It could be weird with our history, so no pressure. Call me sometimes, okay?''

_''Kurt?''_ Nate asked again in a meek voice.

Nate was just the funniest guy. ''Yeah!'' Blaine laughed. ''Anyways, got to go, bye.''

Before he disconnected the call Blaine thought he heard Nate asking again ''Kurt?'' Such a joker.

''Yes,'' Blaine thought to himself, reclining back on the bed ''I could officially change my name to Blaine the Love Doctor, because I have the all the knowledge and skills to back that up. Nothing gets pass Brain Sexyson…ahem, I mean, Blaine Anderson. Yeah. ''

* * *

_Next Saturday morning:_

The first time Blaine called, Kurt didn't pick up his phone at all. Blaine wasn't discouraged by it so he rang again less than a minute later.

Kurt didn't pick up again.

''Third time's the charm,'' Blaine said to himself and rang again.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee-_

''What!'' Kurt snapped as a greeting.

''Hello Smookie Wookie! How are y-''

_Beep. Beep._

Kurt had hanged up on him.

'Fourth time is charming too, I guess,'' Blaine said and rang again.

No answer again.

''All good things come in fives.''

No answer. Again.

''Six is our number, really. 666 is the number of the Devil and Kurt's quiet a hell-cat.''

_Beep. Bee-._

''Are you kidding me!'' Kurt yelled.

''Don'thanguponme, it'simportant,'' Blaine said really quickly.

_''Are you harassing me now?''_

''This is not harassment – it's dating. Couples do things like this. A friend of mine has a girlfriend who calls or texts him every 15 minutes. She's all like ''I'm entering mall'', ''having a salad'', ''retouching make-up'', ''leaving mall''. That's not harassment either, that is a very persuasive dating.'' Blaine explained.

_''Well thank you for not informing me of every second of your life. I'm sure it probably would be a lot like ''just ate an innocent soul'' and ''Sending plague in 1,2,3''.''_

''Oh my God, I just thought of you as a hell-cat, like, seconds ago. Twinsies!'' Blaine exclaimed in a nasal valley girl voice, probably annoying Kurt even more.

_''I'm hanging up on you again.''_

''Wait! I have a point for calling you, I promise,'' Blaine said. ''Why are you angry with me?''

_''Which part of ''I will maim you'' you did not get?''_

''Is this about your eye? I said, I'm really sorry, my Sweet Gummy-bear Koala.''

_''Don't test me, Anderson. I have a bruise the size of my palm covering half of my face. I look like Phantom of Opera just instead of mask, I have my mega-bruise.''_

''How could it be so big, it was just a small rock?''

_''I'll have you know, I have a very delicate and sensitive skin,''_ Kurt told him haughtily.

''Yes, I would love to know that from experience,'' Blaine murmured.

_''Hanging up.''_

''No!'' Blaine shouted. ''Look out your window.''

_''What?''_

''Look out your window.'' Blaine repeated.

_''Why?''_ Kurt asked.

''Come on, just do it. Don't be a scaredy cat.''

_''Will you be throwing another rock at the other side of my face to make my bruises match?''_ Kurt questioned.

''What? No! Of course not. Your face is very special to me, without it you wouldn't be able to make those adorable sneers or glares.''

Kurt didn't say anything for a moment but then Blaine heard him sighing. _''Fine.''_

Blaine saw Kurt coming to his window and stopping there. Kurt just stood there for almost a minute not saying anything and not even moving a muscle but still holding his phone to his ear. On the other hand, Blaine was grinning so much his facial muscles hurt and he was hopping from one foot to the other in excitement.

Finally, he couldn't withstand Kurt's silence anymore and he said, ''Surprised? Get dressed for a date and come down here. Wear something warm.''

Hearing Blaine's voice must have snapped Kurt out of his stupor. He opened his window and slightly leaned out. ''Blaine,'' Kurt said, still talking in the phone although Blaine could hear him clearly now. ''Why is there a limo behind you?''

''I'm taking you on a surprise date, silly,'' Blaine said just barely managing not to jump up and down or clap his hands in glee.

''I got that, but why is there a limo?'' Kurt asked again.

''Do a guy really need a reason to come pick up his boyfriend on a date in a limo?''

''Not in a Kate Hudson movie, no. In real life tho… Do you have a history of mental illnesses?'' Kurt asked still in shock.

Now that Kurt was leaning out of his window Blaine could clearly see Kurt's bruised face. A huge purple bruise covered his eye, nose and went down his cheek. ''Wow, you weren't kidding. You do look horrible,'' Blaine said.

Apparently, having his appearance insulted was one thing that instantly snapped Kurt out of a shock. Things like that were good to know for future knowledge.

''No, not horrible. Rugged,'' Blaine quickly backpedaled. ''Handsom. Manly. Dangerous. Like Brad Pitt in ''Fight Club'' but with straighter teeth.''

''Whew,'' Blaine thought. ''Whose the king of smooth recovery?''

''Well, get dressed. We have places to be.''

* * *

**Heeey! So just when you thought you have gotten rid of me, I'm back again. Like genital herpes! … or Freddy Kruger. Pick whichever you prefer.**

**Woke up today and I just felt like writing. I wrote this while sitting in the mall in like 4 hours – that's VERY fast for my ''I write in a speed of sloth marathon runner'' standards. My ****roommate's**** boyfriend came back home from abroad and they haven't seen each other for months. I'm pretty sure that they threw me out so that they can play monopoly. Right? I guess something about my temporary homelessness got me in the mood of writing…humor? Some people call it crack? I resent that! This is some deep and meaningful shit – there's drama, injuries, lies and verbal and physical abuse.**

**Misswarm is this insane scribbling into Chinese (Link: http:/ . com /p/1439306284?pn=1 (without spaces)). I just…I…Wow! I feel full time fancy now.**

**A lot of people comment about my author's notes. Seriously? Don't you know that you are not supposed to read these things? I even make them bold **_**just**_** so that you know what to ignore. The fact that you do and even comment makes me feel like I now need to write something awe inspiring and interesting in them. Okay, so…uhm…Argentinean blue ducks have biggest penises in the world compared to their bodies…**

**And on this _uplifting_ note, I'm signing out. **

**I like my **_**reviews**_** like Nature likes its Argentinean duck penises – long. ;D **


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